


Beginning

by msarahv



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Bottom Dean, Divorce, Fluff and Angst, Happy Ending, Implied/Referenced Cheating, Light Angst, M/M, Michael being an Asshole, Minor Character Death, No cheating between Dean and Cas, Sad Castiel, Sad Dean Winchester, Top Castiel, Train Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-08
Updated: 2017-11-16
Packaged: 2018-03-16 20:13:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 31
Words: 37,562
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3501380
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/msarahv/pseuds/msarahv
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Castiel's life is simple and quiet with his wife Hannah. But when he's betrayed, he takes a train to escape all of it and meets Dean. It changes his life and all he used to believe about himself.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Castiel came home that night tired, but quite happy. It was cold and windy outside, so he knew that a nice cozy fire would welcome him. He could sit on the couch near the stove, lose himself in the dance the flames would create against the glass door, then join Hannah in the kitchen and start preparing dinner. They would have a drink of wine while talking about their day and then watch something or other on the TV set. Theirs was quite the boring life but Castiel had learned long ago to let his dreams fade away. Hannah was faithful and supportive. She didn't ask for much and that was good, for he didn't have much to offer. All in all, this life was easy and devoid of strong emotions.

 

He pushed the door, vaguely wondering why all the lights were out. He walked to the living-room and stopped in his tracks. Apparently his wife had been stranded at work. It rarely happened so it was a little worrying that she hadn't called or texted.

 

He kept his coat on as he started the fire. The matches were slipping from his cold fingers. He wasn't good at manual work, expect when it came to food. Hannah wasn't much of a gastronome and did not pay attention to what was in her plate, but he still loved to try new recipes. If they had been the type to entertain, he would have tried his best to prepare something that would blow everyone's taste buds away. Hannah didn't like the idea, she said it would dirty the house if people came over, plus she couldn't always watch out for him. Castiel was aware of how much he embarrassed her, so he hadn't met her colleagues or her friends. They had married in a court house, quickly, with no honeymoon. She had been very firm on that point.

 

He hesitated before opening the fridge. He should call her, inquire when she would be home. He shivered when he thought she could have been in a car accident. Better settle his doubts.

 

The phone rang three times before there was an answer. It was curt:

“Castiel, not now!” then she hang up. He still didn't know why she was late, but she didn't sound distressed, so things were all right.

 

He fell asleep on the couch as the fire died down. Later, the drop in temperature woke him up and he looked around in a daze. How late was it? Why hadn't Hannah called back?

 

He checked if she wasn't already there and was closing the bedroom door when he saw headlights pierce the window. He grinned and walked to the door to greet her. She knocked. Had she forgotten her key?

 

A tall, dark figure was standing in the light rain, folding an umbrella away. Castiel frowned at his brother.

“Michael, I'm glad to see you, but what are you doing here so late? Has something happened?”

He took a step back and motioned him in, but Michael didn't follow. He stood in the doorway, his face blank and stern, as it often was. Then, he took a deep breath and said:

“Castiel, I have to tell you something.”

He sounded angry, as if he didn't want to be there. Castiel faltered under the dark glare. He was always a disappointment to Michael, whatever he did, so he had stopped trying. He managed to reply, in an unsteady voice:

“Yes? Go ahead.”

“Hannah is leaving you.”

Castiel felt a wave hit him in the sternum. He didn't ask if it was a joke. Michael was a serious-minded man. But why be angry at him?

 

His brother finally walked inside, sitting at the kitchen counter after taking his raincoat off.

Castiel sat next to him and waited. He felt dull and cold.

“You are not a very good husband, Castiel.”

He gave a start, wondering if he had misheard but Michael was elaborating:

“Hannah deserves more than this small house. You're small too and uninteresting. I can give her all she wants, you have to understand that.”

“What?”

He could fully hear the disdain as he processed the new piece of information.

“Are you saying she cheated on me? With my own brother?”

He was trembling with a rage he didn't know he possessed. Michael put his hand on his shoulder, sensibleness lacing his every word, as if Castiel was a fool and a child:

“It's better that way. Did you actually think she had settled for you? I really hope you won't prove unreasonable about it. I'll send you the divorce paper myself. I don't want to trouble Hannah. She was trying to find ways to let you down gently and it was upsetting her, so I decided to come tell you straight away and ease her mind.”

 

Castiel stood up, pushing his brother's hand away. He wanted to yell. He wanted to run:

“How could you? This is wrong of you, Michael! I was content with Hannah. You took my life away!”

“Now, Castiel, lower your voice. I am the eldest and you should talk to me with respect.”

 

The absurdity of the situation paralyzed Castiel. He watched Michael take his exit with an open mouth, incapable of fighting further. The door clicked on his future.

 

* * *

 

 

He stayed prostrated on his couch for two whole days. He didn't eat, he didn't cry, he may have slept, he wasn't sure. The house was silently echoing his loneliness, enveloping him in a shroud of numbness. Hannah never came or called. She clearly didn't think he was worth an explanation. For once, he didn't agree with her views, he felt wronged, he felt robbed. He had to be allowed happiness.

 

So, he shook himself out of his trance and drove to Michael's apartment. Hannah wasn't there but her lover was. Castiel broke his nose.

 

* * *

 

 

“You what?” Gabriel sounded incredulous. Castiel didn't blame him.

“I was grieving. I still am. I have no one to turn to but you. I don't want to impose, but...”

“Sure, Cassie, you can come and stay with me for as long as you need. Are you driving or booking a flight?”

“I don't feel confident in my driving long distance right now and I can't afford a plane. I shall take a train. When can I come?”

“Whenever.”

 

So here he was, ready to board a train to the other side of the country, leaving his past life behind. He didn't feel ready. He was crying now, every night and he hardly knew why. He was lost and alone. He was no one.

 

He wasn't alone in the passenger car however. Quietly, people passed and sat, surrounding him with soft noises and whispered conversations. He sat next to the window, looking through the dark rectangle, wondering how he would survive the trip.

 

Someone sat next to him. He turned his head and found that his neighbor for the next hours was a good-looking man in his twenties. He was holding Castiel's coat and handing it to him. Their eyes met and Castiel felt he was looking in a mirror. The eyes were green instead of blue and there were freckled around the nose, but otherwise he could read in that face a great sorrow. Like him, this man had his life falling apart. For a second, this shared suffering proved a respite, piercing though the loneliness, but it didn't last. He knew nothing of the stranger, nor did he dare ask.

 

The lull of the train lulled him asleep. When he finally opened his eyes, he felt slightly better. The seat next to him was empty. He got up, in search of the bathroom, passing his seat companion in the corridor with a phone pressed to his ear. His shoulders were sagged and he was looking down at the train floor.

 

Later, he sat back next to Castiel and took out a flask. The smell of alcohol was faint but unmistakable. Castiel wanted to ask for a gulp too. That way, he would let go, relax for a while, but he didn't really believe it.

 

The man's hand was shaking. Drops of whiskey fell on Castiel's lap.

“Oh, fuck! I'm sorry!” The voice was soft and raspy, well adjusted to the man's appearance. He was moving in the seat, his hands searching his pockets until he found a paper handkerchief. He started cleaning Castiel's thigh frantically. It happened so fast that Castiel didn't have the time to stop him. His knee jerked in reaction to the touch, bumping into the still-open flask. The result was catastrophic. All eyes were on them, making them blush.

 

They went back to the bathroom and stood at the door, embarrassed, gesturing in sync:

“After you.”

“No, man, you go first.”

Castiel wasn't budging, nor was the other man. After a minute, they both walked in. The booth contained a toilet seat and a sink and was just big enough for the two of them.

 

One hand on the toilet seat, the man raised the other and said:

“I'm Dean.”

“I'm Castiel.” They shook hands clumsily. The train took a sharp turn. Castiel fell backward and Dean landed on him, his arms around Castiel's torso. He could feel their two hearts beating in company, much faster than usual, through their pressed chests.

“Well, I'm not usually that forward, Cas. Hope you don't think I'm easy,” Dean said, smirking. Castiel didn't reply. He cleaned his trousers thoroughly and tried to move his leg upward to use the blow drier.

“Okayyyyy, sorry for trying to lighten up the mood. I'll shut up now.”

Castiel sat on the toilet, his head meeting the cold mirror and sighed:

“I apologize. I'm not in a good place at the moment. I'm not angry at you, I assure you. I've already used all my anger on others.”

“Really? Why don't you tell me about it?”

 

So Castiel did. He told Dean his heartbreak, as the man stood still, an inch away in the toilet booth. It was surreal. It was also one of the most interesting his life had ever been.

 

“Man, that sucks, your brother's a real dick! If he was there, I'd punch him for you.”

“No need, I already did.”

A hint of admiration went through Dean's eyes. Castiel felt stupidly proud. He checked himself.

“I shouldn't have. Violence is never the answer. Maybe Michael was right. I don't deserved to be loved.”

“Wow, wow, stop right there. Everyone deserve to be loved. I mean...” He pinched his lips, back to his melancholic state, before adding: “... even my dad. He was harsh and he drank too much, but man, did I love him.”

“Did...?”

Dean nodded:

“I just buried him. No funerals, just me. My brother couldn't come and he didn't really want to. I don't blame him. I just met our half-brother. My dad didn't bother tell us about him, the bastard. He lived two lives and then one day, he disappeared. We weren't important enough, I guess.”

 

Castiel frowned. He recognized his own wording, how he viewed himself and somehow saw it as it was, unfounded.

 

He put his hand at the back of Dean's head and pushed him down:

“I don't believe that. You seem like a compassionate person. You're the only one I could tell about how I felt and you didn't leave or judge me. You're a good person.”

 

Dean was blushing again. He was beautiful. Cas didn't think. He kissed him.

 

The kiss deepened but it was difficult to move around. Dean had been struck, remaining still, but he soon recovered. There was desperation in the way he touched Castiel and it felt good, it felt real. Castiel had never felt as wanted and worshiped.

 

His coat was laid down to protect them from the cold tiles. They didn't take their clothes off entirely, just enough for Dean's fingers to handle Castiel's cock and offer him his. They kept their lips pressed, barely kissing, breathing heavily. Castiel didn't last long but the orgasm almost ripped him apart.

 

It was easy to clean using the bathroom soap and towel, and after they could explain their wet state with the whiskey drop. They tumbled back to their seats and fell asleep holding hands.

 

* * *

 

 

There were two persons awaiting Dean at the station, his brother Sam and his girlfriend Jess. Dean handed them his father's urn without a word. They hugged. Castiel walked away, searching his own brother. He felt courageous, ready to live again, and this time to the fullest. He would miss Dean but they barely knew each other. Still he had made Castiel the gift of self-confidence and he was grateful. He marched on, spotting Gabriel and waving at him.

 

He heard footsteps behind him. He stopped and turned. Dean had run to him. Why would he? In the bright sunlight, he looked heavenly. His hair had a golden gleam and his eyes were so soft. Castiel couldn't believe he was looking at _him_.

“Can I see you again?”

And Castiel fully opened to life. He stood proudly on the platform, staring at Dean, feeling a connection he had looked for all his life and let his dreams re-ignite:

“Yes.”

 


	2. Chapter 2

Before, when he was a mischievous teen, Gabriel would have teased Castiel mercilessly about Dean, wanting to know what this handsome stranger could see in Cas. He would surely had made lewd comments, intended to make Cas blush and look away. But time had passed, and Gabriel had been sent away, and Castiel had been betrayed, and now they were all the family they had left. So, instead, his big brother had softly asked him:

“So, you're really gay?”

And Castiel had smiled, his mind so clear now, after the fog and confusion he had mistaken for happiness and answered:

“I am. I appreciated Hannah's company and I will miss it but I won't miss her body.”

He was quite impressed at his daring admission. Gabriel raised an eyebrow and patted Cas' hair:

“Well, looks like my brother is growing up. I'm glad you're here, you know. I don't think Hannah was good company. She was quite cruel with you. I wanted to say something but Michael forbade me.” He gave an exaggerated sigh:“And I might look like the incredible confident stud that you see, I fear him, always have.”

Castiel chuckled but didn't miss the way Gabriel's fingers trembled. Michael, who was so righteous and holier-than-thou. Michael who had stolen his brother's wife. Castiel hoped his colleagues had asked about his black eye. The only good thing to have come out of this mess was that it had freed Cas from his influence.

 

That and Dean.

 

* * *

 

When he was tucked in new blue sheets, still a little crisp but terribly comforting, as he listened to the soft noises Gabriel was making in the next room, he grabbed his pants from the chair he had folded them on and took out Dean's phone number. He smoothed it with his thumb, remembering how hard Dean had felt in his hand, how warm his eyes were, after. He got up, took his phone and typed the number in.

 

He wasn't in the train anymore but he still felt the subtle cradle in his muscles, as he lay still in the bed. It was hard to fall asleep but he willed himself to. He had to start healing.

 

Dean called, after a few days. Castiel had waited for him to do so. After all, Dean grieved his father, he needed his space, with his own family. It was ironic that two broken souls could rebuilt each other like that, but maybe the humility born from the suffering made all the difference. Even Gabriel was different, not bitter anymore, not angry either, living with less fire, less passion.

“Cas?”

“Hello Dean.”

“So, about that date...” There was a pause, then a shuffling of feet, then a door closing: “I mean, when do you want to meet?”

It was Castiel's turn to pause. He didn't know the city well. He would love to visit a museum or a botanical garden, but would Dean like that? On the other hand, if this was the beginning of a new relationship, as he sincerely hoped it was, he had to make new rules. And the first one was to voice out his needs.

Dean laughed and called him cute. Castiel felt his knees weaken with relief.

“How about I bring the food. You like pie?”

 

* * *

 

They met the day after Castiel's job interview. Gabriel had put a good word for him and he had parted with his old boss in good terms so he had been given a good recommendation. He had started talking about finding a new place until Gabe had pouted and grumbled that he wanted Castiel to feel at home with him. He did, but he didn't want him to meet Dean yet.

 

On the way over, he felt something protruding in his pocket, which turned out to be two boxes of extra big condoms. He almost went back to hand them to his brother. Then he decided they could be useful.

 

They sat in the big lawn next to the garden's green house. The many windows made the frail building shine in the Spring sun. While they ate, they kept the conversation light, about their jobs or their music tastes. The air was full of promises and pollen. Dean sneezed. Cas gave him a handkerchief and dislodged one of the condom box. It fell on the picnic blanket with a deafening, yet very small noise. Castiel looked at it, hypnotized, then lifted his head, silently daring Dean to mock him.

 

Dean wasn't smiling anymore. He looked composed but his fingers betrayed him, twitching lightly on his thigh. He reached Cas' cheek, grazing it softly and when he spoke, his voice was low and needy:

“You know, the botanical exhibit will still be here another day...”

Cas nodded. Dean licked his own upper lip: “Can I show you my place? We can have coffee there.”

 

They stood up, still gazing at each other. Cas felt urges he didn't recognize, that frightened him. He had never been possessive, nor passionate. But he wanted to rip Dean's shirt and take him here, on this blanket, without caring who was watching. He breathed deeply, roughly, waiting for the tremor in his body to calm down.

 

They ran to Dean's car, ran to the apartment, fell on the bed. Castiel would be hard pressed to describe anything he had passed on the way over. Even the comforter's color was a mystery. What he saw where Dean's freckles, all across his body, until even that disappeared and all was left was smell, and touch, and feel.

“Cas, can I...?”

Dean was kneeling next to him, now, Cas' cock in his hand, next to his full lips. Castiel growled in response.

What followed was even better than in the train, better than anything he could dream of. It felt familiar, though, just a little, even though Hannah had never blown him. Maybe she did Michael? The dark thought made his head jerk up, but Dean moved his hand and knitted their fingers together. Cas relaxed and gave in to the insane pleasure.

 

“That was good, thank you, Dean.”

“Only good?”

“I meant, very good, very.” Dean grinned, chuckling feebly. He was asleep in Castiel's arm soon, after kissing his shoulder. “Thank you.” Castiel said again.

 

* * *

 

He was standing this time, and the feeling was different. The mouth felt wrong around him. He grabbed the man's head and pushed him away from his cock. It wasn't Dean. It was a young, so-young boy, with sandy air too, and a name that came back with seeing the face. Balthazar. They were in a janitor closet, in the dark. There were noises outside but no one had noticed them...

 

He woke up, startled. How come he had forgotten this? Dean wasn't the first, he really had been with a man before. He sat against the bed headboard and tried to date the memory.

 

It was junior year, around Christmas. The dark times, the ones no one mentioned. Even now, Castiel was trembling as his mind ran through barricaded paths. Yes, he had felt true that day, himself, but it hadn't last. The next week-end, Chuck had been out the door. He had waited, not understanding how his father could leave, could forget he wasn't grown-up yet. He needed him so much.

 

And one day, he had found her. She was blue, still and peaceful. Gabriel and Michael had come as soon as possible, one from college, the other from the new apartment he was living in. He had taken Castiel away, Castiel who didn't matter to his parents, who wasn't important enough to make them care to stay or even live.

 

After that day, he had been shut in himself. Gabriel visited a lot, until the fight. Michael forbade any contact, and soon enough, he introduced Hannah. With all these emotions, he had forgotten to come out, forgotten he wanted to.

 

Tears were silently falling on the pillow. He didn't dare look for a handkerchief, he didn't want to wake Dean, but he did anyway.

“Cas, you crying? Talk to me, man.”

He opened up, because he couldn't not. He trusted Dean more than he had ever his family.

 

“Mine was called Aaron.”

“Your what?”

“My first guy. My dad caught us and it turned ugly. Couldn't hear that I was bi, so I waited to be older to hook up again.”

“Am I a hook-up too, Dean?” He was teasing, but half-serious. He cared about Dean, but he wouldn't trap him, he wouldn't steal his days, like Hannah stole his.

“No, Cas, you're not. I want more. I want to be with you.”

“So do I.”

 

They made love, slowly, tenderly, with a passion amplified by emotions that choked Castiel up. He was inside Dean, inside both his body and his soul and Dean was meeting him. He cried again, but it was easier.

After, Dean just said:

“Thank you, Cas.” and it was enough.

 

 


	3. Chapter 3

Castiel slowly woke up in yet another foreign bed.

He had lived in only three different homes in his whole life: his parents', Michael's and Hannah's.

Now he was a nomad, a refugee, forced to depend on others. But in a way, he had always done so, letting others take the decisions for him.

 

There was a warm breath tickling his neck and a heavy hand settled on his hip. Dean. Dean wasn't forceful, nor demanding. Would he be, later on? Castiel wanted to trust him, it came so easily.

 

He got up, careful not to make a noise, and went in search of the kitchen. It was open and bright and very clean. The fridge was well stacked, so he paused and contemplated what to cook. He felt creative and Dean seemed to enjoy food. He lost himself in the preparations, reaching that calm place he always found in a kitchen.

 

Dean joined him, a few minutes after the smell of pancakes had started invading the place. He was walking slowly, his eyes unfocused, looking like an overgrown child with a pout. Castiel felt a wave of affection run through him. He felt so different next to Dean. As if he was a real adult, someone in charge of his own life.

 

It took a while for Dean to be really there. Castiel watched, fascinated. Hannah was so efficient in the morning, even on days off. She had to be, he was such a klutz...

Although, strangely, he hadn't felt like one in Dean's place. Maybe he was improving?

 

Dean caught his eyes and grinned.

“I'm glad you're here, man. Can't wait until you meet Sam.”

“I saw him at the train station. He's very tall.”

“Yep, but he's still my baby brother. Can't stop feeling protective and shit. That's what big brothers are for, hey?”

Castiel pinched his lips and turned his head. He heard Dean sigh.

“Sorry, Cas, I mean...” He mumbled the rest. Cas ate in silence, then whispered:

“It's okay, Dean. It's still fresh, but you can talk about Sam, I'm glad you love him so much without smothering him. I wish Michael had been the same.”

“I don't think he really loves you Cas. You don't do that sort of stuff otherwise.”

 

Castiel was sinking. He wanted to change the subject fast, or he would start crying again. He hated being weak like that.

“...well, anyway, he'll be here soon, so I guess we'd better get dressed pronto.”

“Who is?”

“Sam. He's bringing me back my electric saw.”

 

But Castiel couldn't meet Sam. Not like that, without warning. He couldn't embarrass Dean so soon. He was so awkward, Hannah called him “the troglodyte”. He never liked it but she was smiling when she said it, so he never told her off.

 

He was about to say he had to leave when he heard the sound of car breaks outside. Dean got up and walked to the window:

“Yes, that's him. You're gonna...?” He stopped and ran to Castiel, looking concerned “Hey, it's okay, Sam's not gonna judge you, he's really cool.”

But now, Castiel was trembling like a leaf. Dean's hand was warm and comforting on his shoulder, but he pushed it away and retreated to the bedroom.

 

After Sam left, he waited for Dean to come talk to him but he didn't. Maybe he left too. So Castiel opened the door, ready to sneak out.

 

He found Dean on his couch, twisting a glass of alcohol in his hand. Castiel rarely drank but he was certain one shouldn't in the morning.

 

They stayed like that, staring at each other, over an ocean of guilt. Castiel cracked first:

“I'm sorry, Dean. You must be disappointed.”

Dean shrugged:

“I told you Sam was cool. Why would you panic like that?”

“I'm not good with people. It's not that I don't like company. It's just... whatever I say or do is wrong. Because of that, we couldn't host anyone. I told Hannah I'd make efforts and listen to her advice, but she said I was unredeemable.”

 

Dean was biting his lips, looking down in the brown liquid:

“I know you're broken, Cas. I'm broken too and I thought it could work anyway. You've gripped me from my pain in that train, shown me I mattered. But I can't do much to help. I wish I could.” He raised pleading eyes to Castiel.

“Maybe it's too soon. I'm not even divorced Dean. You make my world upside down and I'm not used to feeling so strongly. At least, not since...”

He didn't finish but Dean nodded.

 

* * *

 

Gabriel was surprised when Cas told him. Not about the break-up, as he didn't know Dean, but about Cas' social fears.

“You're great company, Cas. You're an introvert, that's all. Why do you think I want you around?”

“Familial obligation?”

“Cas!” The anger swept Cas in a whirlwind. Gabriel looked murderous, which didn't make sense. “This wh*e has fucked you up! Along with Michael, of fucking course!”

“Do not call any woman that word, Gabe. Even though, she has acted wrong, that is still not okay to say.”

“See?.... See! This is you, Cassie, this is why I love you. You deserve to be loved, stop believing them!”

Castiel hugged him to calm him down. Gabriel had never said these words, never been so serious. It made him wonder.

 

* * *

 

It hurt to think about Dean, in a different way than it hurt to think about Hannah. He missed Dean physically and he felt a strange mix of happiness and bleakness. He thought about calling him but remembered Dean's last words and didn't.

 

He started work the next week. It was easy and predictable. But there were new people around, who asked personal questions and watched his behavior. He kept waiting for the moment they'd reject him but it didn't happen. Most ignored him or remained professional. But a man named Samandriel invited him for drinks with two other people from another floor. He was very worried but still went. The next day, Samandriel came to talk during a coffee break. A colleague heard them and joined the conversation. It occurred to Castiel that something wasn't right.

 

* * *

 

On Friday night, he took his cellphone out and called. At first Dean didn't pick up, but Castiel persevered. The voice he heard was strained and sad:

“What do you want Castiel?”

“I want to apologize. It seems I was mistaken.”

“What?”

“I believed for a very long time that I wasn't good with human interactions and that I made people very uneasy. Hannah kept saying it and that she couldn't take me anywhere. And Michael always made me feel bad for whatever I said. But I realize now that, cut from their influence, I can be... adequate socially, which mean I could have talked to your brother and not embarrass you and make you run away.”

“You don't get it, do you? I wouldn't have run, even if you had! I'm not like that. But my family is important and I wanted you to meet them and you didn't understand that.”

“Is it really too late? Can't I have a second chance?”

There was a pause. Then Dean said timidly:

“Really? I thought you needed space.”

“I do. But you can share that space...”

 

Dean agreed to come over. Castiel had decided to allow Gabe to be there at first. After all, as inappropriate his big brother could be, he was loving and accepting. And he hoped Dean would get the meaning of “meeting family”.

 


	4. Chapter 4

Castiel insisted on opening the door himself. Gabe was seated on the couch, wearing a scowl that puzzled Cas greatly.

 

He forgot about it, though, when he saw Dean. His eyes were soft and comforting to look into, his small smile was beautiful and fragile. Cas had no idea how long he stood there, hand on the door, staring at Dean but at one point, he heard Gabe fake a cough and shout:

“Come on in, Dean-o! I think my brother has forgotten his manners.”

 

Cas shook himself and gestured Dean in:

“Don’t listen to Gabriel, he has zero manners himself and likes to tease people.”

 

Dean shrugged and entered, brushing against Castiel’s shirt. He took a step back, embarrassed. It was a strange dance they performed, having been intimate twice already, and now, on the edge of reconnecting, not knowing how to act.

 

He found himself with Dean’s leather jacket, bringing it to his bedroom, taking a moment to revel in the smell. It was so Dean, so… male. Castiel felt vaguely guilty in the way he craved about sex so much. Michael would say…

 

Cas froze. His brother was still in his head. He shook him away and hurried back in the living-room. Gabe was looking suspiciously pleased with himself while Dean, who was seated as far from Gabe as possible, sulked:

“I don’t like your brother, Cas. Maybe I should go.”

 

Castiel must have blanched, because both men looked at him with concern and talked at the same time:

“Don’t freak out, Cassie!” and “I’m kidding Cas, relax!”

 

Castiel sighed. He might be on the way to recovery but he still had a long way to go. He sat down in between the two men, feeling awkward. Dean took his hand and pressed it gently. Once again, they lost track of time in each other’s gaze. Gabriel got up and walked to the kitchen, yelling:

“I’ll leave you to your eye sex. I had no idea you could be so into it, little bro, but do know I’ll be happy to teach you new positions…” He was interrupted by one of the couch’s cushions. Dean had good aim. Castiel was chuckling, face all heated up, relaxing in the feeling of Dean’s arm around his waist.

 

Dean grinned as he ate and winked at Gabriel:

“Man, you’re pretty douchy, but you can cook! This is all delicious.”

“Nah, Dean-o, I didn’t even lift a finger. It’s your boyfriend who’s the genius. I eat way better now that he’s living here.”

 

Dean looked like he had found the grail. He turned to Castiel with a face-splitting grin. But Cas looked down. He wasn’t used to compliments. As far he could remember, his parents had been absent figures, lost in themselves and so didn’t have time to tell him his worth. It was painful to be in the center like that, even though he had toiled to make this meal as good as possible. He looked up to see the two men in his life watching him with fondness. He decided to lighten up the mood and asked his brother:

“So, that is the reason you don’t want me to move out then?”

“Of course, why would I want your sorry ass around otherwise?”

 

The ribbing went on, easy and lighthearted, for most of the evening. It was going well. Things changed when Gabriel looked at his watch and said:

“Well, time to hit the strip club. Dean-o, I allow you to see my brother naked, as long as you don’t hurt him.”

“Go away, Gabe!” This time, it was Castiel who threw the cushion. There was a cackle as the door closed.

 

Then, they were alone. Castiel played with another cushion’s fringe, and asked in a hushed tone:

“Are you still angry at me?”

Dean sighed:

“A little bit, yes. Sam is ten times better than Gabriel, even though your brother isn’t as awful as you said. You’re missing out, really.”

“I am aware Dean, but maybe if I could be prepared the next time, it would go better. You expected me to be ready without notice and that is just not who I am. At least, not yet.”

 

Dean frowned, his hand rubbing Cas’ arm softly:

“You had sex with a stranger in a train, Cas. How is that being shy?”

Castiel shrugged.

“I was feeling horribly lonely. But I don’t think I would have with anyone else, you are very special. I could feel a connection to you. As if you understood what I was going through. Of all the people I met, you’re the only one who knows how to show that you care for someone else.”

 

Dean wasn’t moving. His chin was trembling, his eyes were shut:

“Don’t say that Cas. Don’t make me believe…”

“Believe what?”

There was no answer. A tear was running down Dean’s cheek, making Castiel’s heart clench.

“I’m not… As I said, I’m broken. The only good thing I’ve done was raise Sam. He turned out all right, but that’s because he’s a great kid, always have been.”

 

He paused, opened pleading eyes and went on:

“I’ve lied a lot in the past to get laid. I never cheated but I never wanted to commit. I don’t want to do that with you, you deserve better. After you talked to me in that train, I promised myself that I would be there for you, show you that there were people you could trust.”

“So I’m a charity case?”

“No! You’re sweet and gorgeous and funny. But because of all you’ve gone through, you’re accessible, I guess?

 

Castiel didn’t reply. He snuggled into Dean and started kissing his neck. Beyond potentially traitorous words, they could meet in a place of touch and yearning. He vowed to be stronger, for Dean, so that they could build something together.

 

The kisses turned wild. Castiel’s belly filled with a fire that was driving him mad with desire. He took Dean on the couch, because his bed was too far away. Dean was opening his legs wide, surrendering to him, as if Castiel was a god. In these moments, he almost believed he was one. He also knew Dean was like his green sea, full of wonders and acceptance. He plunged in him, fast and hard, making him whine and praise.

 

But the best part was the cuddling, this time in the bedroom. Castiel had never experienced that before Dean and it changed everything. He had time to feel the curve of Dean’s hips and to point at his freckles. They had time to smile, their eyes shining, forgetting about their problems. Castiel was aware there was more to know about Dean but he was ready to wait.

 


	5. Chapter 5

Dean left with a good-bye kiss the next morning and a promise to call. He did, in the evening, his voice tired but soft as a cloud. Cas didn't ask him to come that evening though. He still wanted to take things slow, sort out his life. Until then, he had always been under someone's thumb. It was difficult giving himself the right to exist on his own, to take risks but it was rewarding.

 

He went to the city center and looked for something to decorate his bedroom. There were beautiful vintage shops but he ventured into a more upbeat one, where things were bright and colorful, made with recycled material. He could picture Michael's scowl, as he purchased a metallic angel sculpture made out of car's parts, and Hannah's pained disappointment. Then he pictured the two together and he almost puked.

 

He walked out of the shop rapidly, looking for a distraction. There were some street entertainers a few feet away, juggling and playing instruments, smiling in the sun. Castiel envied their freedom, their simple pleasures even though they looked much poorer than him. He went on, looking for ideas and spotted a honey shop. He pushed the door, no noticing the smile was appearing on his face too now.

 

* * *

 

 

Gabriel was getting annoying. Castiel was experimenting with sweet and savory Creole recipes, mixing honey with pork and vegetables and his brother swore he was in heaven:

“You should be a chef, Cassie. I would love to manage your restaurant.”

Castiel nodded, flattered but realistic as always.

“I don't think I have enough experience, Gabe. Plus I don't see how we could get the money, anyway. I'm broke.”

“Why?” Gabriel was frowning, his sauce-covered mouth pinched, like a short puzzled clown.

“Hannah left me, remember? She owns the house and I didn't save a lot. Our joint account isn't accessible, but even when it is, I won't get much.”

“That doesn't make sense. Did you guys sign a prenup or something?”

“Of course not, Gabriel.”

“Then, I think you're entitled to a little more. You should take a lawyer.”

Castiel sighed. He had thought about it, but...

“Lawyers are too expensive, and I'm sure Michael can afford a better one, plus I'd have to go to court and face him. I'll be generous, it's the best option.”

“That's not being generous, brother, that's being dumb. How much more bullshit can you take and still be nice to your ex?”

Castiel ate his last mouthful, looking away. He wanted a clean start, and that meant no contact with the new couple. He would do.

 

* * *

 

 

The divorce papers were in the mail the next day accompanied by a stern letter. Michael was reminding him that Hannah was a dignified lady who shall not be bothered by financial troubles, while Castiel was a man and thus able to make his own money. Given how shrewd Hannah had been when they were married, Castiel found the statement pompous and ridiculous. He crumpled the letter and walked around nervously. Something was itching under his skin, that he didn't want to indulge in, an irritation that was beneath him.

 

He didn't want to bring it up when Dean called, but he did anyway. There was a pause, then Dean changed the subject. Castiel understood. They were just beginning a new relationship, no need to drag him into the details of how the old one was crashing to the ground.

 

For a second, Castiel was grateful for life, for giving him someone who cared for him so quickly. Then, he remembered how he had gotten with Dean and blushed. Meanwhile, Dean was still talking about his brother who was about to propose to his girlfriend and how that would mean he'd have to wear a tux for the wedding and he hated it.

 

Castiel was at least relieved that Dean felt he could talk about weddings without fearing he would freak out. It was important not to be babied anymore. He took a breath and said:

“Dean, I once again apologize for my behavior the other day.”

“It's cool, honey, it's in the past, really.”

Castiel paused, to savor the unexpected pet name. But he wanted to get his point across, so he didn't acknowledge it.

“You see, given how well the dinner with my own brother went, I think it is my turn to meet your family. I'm looking forward to it.”

There was a chuckle:

“You are so formal... Don't ever change.”

And that was it, a dinner was planned, it was so easy.

 

* * *

 

 

On Monday night, Castiel invited Samandriel and two other colleagues for drinks. He himself ordered green tea, as he watched the others laugh at his discreet dry humor. It was quite overwhelming and at some point, he went outside to regroup. He quickly said good-bye after but still felt he had made a step in the right direction.

 

But he didn't sleep that night. He got up, baked cookies, read a few pages of his bedside book. The dreaded letter was playing in his mind, making him wonder if he was being gentlemanly or cowardly. It was already hard to associate Hannah to her recent behavior. She had been such a patient wife, always making sure he was aware of his awkward behavior... the one he actually didn't have that much. He frowned, then pushed the thought away.

 

When the next day finally came, he texted Dean as soon as it became morning enough, asking to see him that night.

 

Dean was sipping beer when he opened. He put the bottle on the counter and forgot it, too busy kissing Castiel's neck. Cas loved how playful it felt, how simple.

 

But after the sex, Dean was crying. Not loudly, it was just a few tears and yet it was making Cas' chest hurt.

“What is going on, Dean? Talk to me.” Dean turned and buried his face in the comforter:

“Nothing... Go to sleep.”

Cas didn't like it but he obeyed, lying on the edge of the mattress, body almost rigid for trying to give Dean his space. He only fell asleep when he felt Dean's arm wrap around him.

 

At breakfast, Castiel observed his boyfriend thoroughly. There were no tears anymore, but he did look sad. What was more upsetting was that it wasn't exactly new. Dean had looked like that the last time he had seen him, but he hadn't registered it. Or maybe he had unconsciously attributed it to the break-up. He took a sharp breath. Had he injured their relationship so much that it was now unfixable?

 

Dean looked up from his froot loops with a start:

“You're okay, hon?” He asked, concern blatant in his voice.

Castiel didn't want to start this kind of talk over breakfast, so he nodded. He glanced at his watch and used the fact he was almost late for work to excuse himself. As he walked to the bus stop, he swore to be less self-centered and focus on Dean more.

 

* * *

 

 

The dinner with Sam was on the next Saturday, so on Friday night Dean called him to talk about menu ideas. It soon turned into Castiel saying what he intended to cook and Dean noting the ingredients down to go buy them for him.

“This sound really yummy, Cas, but you don't have to do something too complicated, you know. Sam is weird, with his rabbit food obsession, but he doesn't need fancy stuff to be happy.”

“Oh, don't worry, I have much pleasure in cooking so it's not a bother. Being creative make me feel good.”

Dean chuckled.

“Really? I thought I was the one who made you feel good.”

Cas chuckled back and waited.

He heard Dean ask shyly:

“How about you come really early, like around noon? We could have lunch, just the two of us.”

“Of course, Dean. I'll look forward to it.”

 

When Castiel arrived at Dean's place, the door was unlocked. He pushed it with the hand that wasn't holding the bag of kitchen utensils Dean didn't own and that he couldn't cook without. He went straight to the kitchen to put it down. There was a voice coming from the living-room. It wasn't addressing him but Castiel could hear anyway:

“... No, man, I'll wait to tell him. I don't want him to be upset, you know,... Yeah... No... You fucking sap!... Right, love you too...”

 

Castiel stood frozen on the spot. He was having a nightmare, there was no way he could get cheated on twice so fast. Is that why Dean was so sad-looking? And then, why wait even more?

 

His heart felt enlarged and dripping inside. He was crying too. He hadn't felt as hurt by Hannah. It was strange realizing the depth of his feeling when they were being crushed.

 

Dean came into the kitchen and ran to him, hugging him tight. Castiel thought about pushing him back but his body was still stuck:

“Honey, what's the matter? You _have_ to talk to me! I'm freaking out when I see you like this.”

Dean's tone was incredibly clear and straight. Castiel came back to his sense enough to shake his head and straighten up.

“Dean... I heard.” It was a whisper but Dean understood. He kept one hand around Cas' waist, using the other to cup his jaw delicately.

“You heard what?”

“On the phone, just then... you said...” He couldn't repeat it. It would make it too real. Dean's warm body was a solace even now, he didn't want him to move.

“Is that why you're crying? What did you hear...? Oh.”

There was so much sweetness, and compassion, and sadness, all mixed on Dean's beautiful face. Cas couldn't help saying:

“And I love you. More than I ever loved Hannah. Why would you keep on the charade? I trusted you!”

 

But Dean was still holding him, kissing Cas' tears, stroking his unresisting hands because the love was still there and he couldn't push him away.

“Calm down... It's a misunderstanding, I swear. On my parent's graves. I was talking to Sam on the phone. You know, my brother?”

 

In the fog that was Cas' mind, the word shone through. Sam. He was coming tonight.

“But... there was something... you don't want to tell me about?”

“Oh, god, I am so, so sorry! I feel like an ass. It's nothing serious, I just asked him to look something up, for you.”

It was all happening too fast, Castiel's body was short-circuiting. He tried to swallow but only managed to puff breathlessly. Dean finally let him go and opened the fridge to give him a water.

 

After being forced to sit down by a fussy Dean, Castiel closed his eyes and reviewed what he had been told. The sense of relief was enormous. Not only Dean wasn't cheating, but Cas' love confession hadn't frightened him either.

But something was still bugging him. He turned to Dean who had sat next to him on the couch and decided to ask, because he needed to clear everything to keep his sanity:

“I get it and I apologize for assuming things, Dean. I would blame my recent break-up but it was still insulting to your character.”

“It's okay, man. I get it. It's fine.”

“But, Dean, I have a question. I don't want to pry but I have been worried about you.”

Dean frowned and nodded. Castiel went on:

“Whenever you look at me, you look so sad. It wasn't here when we first met and now it's all I can see. And the other day you were crying after sex. I want to help, but I don't know how and it's killing me inside...”

Dean smiled, just the edge of his mouth curling up:

“I know the feeling, Cas.”

 

The second after, they were kissing. It was messy and desperate. Dean got up, tugging Cas' arm and led him to the bedroom. He was out of his clothes so fast, Cas didn't realize it at first.

 

He was pushed into, hard. It was his first time and Dean had taken time to prepare him. It was insanely pleasurable and also like he was cut in half. Dean had lost control but it didn't matter. They came around the same time, eyes locked, connected through something eternal.

 

They lay in bed for a long silent time. Cas had forgotten his unanswered question but Dean turned to him and whispered:

“I think it's about my dad.

“Huh?”

The sadness was back, but Dean wasn't crying this time.

“Whenever I look at you, I... I remember the train and what we did there and I guess, every time, I remember my dad's funeral too. It's still fresh and it's complicated and I miss him so much... He was a jerk but he was my dad. And I feel guilty being happy with you because he's dead, you know? And I don't think he'd have approved...”

Castiel put a finger on his lover's lips, shushing gently.

“I get it, Dean, and I assure you it's normal. I felt the same way as a teen. I just wish you had someone less fragile to help you deal with this.”

“You're exactly what I need. And me too.”

He hopped from the bed and threw Cas' pants in his face: “Now, come on, I'm starving and you promised you'd cook me lunch.”

 

Castiel laughed and got dressed, his heart still large and dripping but not hurting anymore. The ' _me too_ ' was dancing in his head on repeat. The actual words weren't there yet but it was more than enough.

 


	6. Chapter 6

At long least, Sam was there. He was as tall and broad as Castiel remembered. What he was noticing now was that he also looked kind.

Dean had soft eyes and when he smiled, it was like the sun had been switched on, yet he still had that rough, manly look that made Cas weak at the knee, while Sam looked like an overgrown puppy, eager to please and enthusiastic at the same time.

Castiel wondered if Dean had warned him, explained his reticence. It was hard to say.

 

He hadn't gone overboard with the food, preferring to do something simple yet tasty. The only change he had made to the recipe was trading sugar with honey. Dean noticed when he did this kind of things, and then stuffed his mouth in a way that made Castiel wondered, sometimes, whether it was worth all that work. Then he remembered Hannah, who didn't care what she ate and left her plate half-eaten most times. Dean did love Cas' cooking, in his own messy way.

 

Sam was more intellectual about it, asking Castiel questions about his ingredients (looking impressed when he learned everything was organic and straight from the farmer's market) and cooking process, while Dean rolled his eyes (and looked like a squirrel with his round full cheeks):

“Stop it, Dean!” Sam said at some point, without moving his head. Dean gulped and smiled at Castiel, who smiled back and pushed the food around his plate with his fork.

 

After dinner, Cas served Sam coffee while Dean opened his cupboard to take some Scotch out. Sam had invaded the couch with his long limbs, so Castiel decided to be a little bold and sat on Dean's lap, in the leather armchair. Sam's eyebrow went up for a second, but he didn't comment. Dean gave Cas an alcoholic kiss, then turned to his brother with an expecting air. Sam coughed, then said with gravity:

“So, Castiel, Dean has talked about you... Well you're about the only thing he talks about these days, but...”

Cas' boyfriend's face was red but he kept the same expression.

Castiel was frowning, wondering if Sam was about to lecture him about not meeting him the last time.

“Yes?”

“He mentioned something quite personal but that's because he thought I could help...”

Castiel was officially lost now, feeling himself tense up. Dean must have noticed as he started rubbing Cas' shoulder.

Cas put his hand on Dean's to show his appreciation and nodded at Sam.

 

“It's about your divorce...? See, I'm a lawyer and I'm pretty good at what I do. And what Dean told me... it doesn't sound right, you know? I would love to offer my help, so you can get a fair settlement.”

Cas closed his eyes to think. He was still fighting to be his own man, make his decisions without being influenced, but on the other hand, something had been bothering him. Michael saying Hannah deserved the money in a strict, no-nonsense tone. But what kind of money? Hannah owned the house and they had been cautious, yes, but none of their jobs payed much, so why the insistence?

“It's very kind of you, Sam. I'll consider it. I'm not sure I can afford your services though.”

 

Sam laughed and Castiel felt the knees under him shake as Dean chuckled and said:

“Sure, honey, Sam is going to charge you as much as he can... You don't realize, do you?” His tone was softer, almost shy. His hand was brushing Cas' chin gently: “You're family now. That means Sam will do it for free. Or at least against some favor, like helping him and Jess move into their big-ass house in a few months.”

“That or another dinner like this” Sam added with a wink. Castiel relaxed. Dean lived in a much different world than he did and he liked it a lot.

 

After Sam left, Dean was clingy and not letting Cas go home:

“I have to go now, Dean, really.”

“Why? Who's waiting for you? Gabriel?”

“Of course, not. But I've just spent the whole afternoon with you. Isn't it time for us to be by ourselves again?”

Dean shook his head, still gripping Cas' trench coat and kissing his jaw relentlessly:

“Nah, you're my boyfriend, I want you in my bed. You have no idea what you do to me... It's...”

He paused, his voice breaking a little bit. Castiel sighed and tried to push the emotions away a little:

“You're playing dirty, Dean. But I must insist. Sam's proposition is weighing on my mind. I never intended to go to court against my wife, it's a tough decision.”

“Your wife... I see...” Dean moved his hands away and turned, his face hiding in the shadow. Castiel felt he had said the wrong thing but he was exhausted. He also had a feeling he needed to say no to Dean once in a while and stick to it, first for his own sake, but also for the health of their relationship.

 

As he sat on his bed, he got a text. It was from Dean of course, and he wondered if he should read it now or wait until the next day. He put his pajamas on, switched the light off, then lay on the hard mattress.

 

A minute later, he caught his cell and let it light the room. The words he found accompanied him to sleep:

'Awesome day. Sweet dreams. <3 u.'

 


	7. Chapter 7

A few days later, Dean called to make an announcement:

“Sam and Jess are engaged! I'm taking them out tomorrow to celebrate and I thought… I really want you to come too. I know you haven't met Jess, so I understand if you won't, but...”

“It's okay, Dean” Castiel smiled. He liked how happy Dean sounded. Sam was the center of his life and strangely, it didn't bother him. Maybe because it felt more like a parent-child relationship. Dean had good reasons to be proud, unlike him. But that was going to change and first, he was going to accept and be on his best behavior to impress Jess.

 

The next day at work was as boring as ever. He was very efficient but it was one of those times he wished he had trained for another trade.

Gabriel's teasing words about a restaurant were coming back to him but he brushed them aside. It would involve crowds, staff, having to mingle and socialize way too much, even as a cook. Plus, he would have to create an ambiance, a beautiful place where people would come to relax. And while he had finally learned what his personal taste was… he pictured his bedroom, now, overstuffed with mismatched trinkets... Even the daydream wasn't sustainable.

What he could hope for was one day to move in with someone, hopefully Dean, and keep on doing what he was doing now until he could retire. His thoughts were now taking a depressing turn, so he went to the coffee break room to text Dean.

'What kind of restaurant are we going to?'

'A bar.'

Oh, of course, it made sense. Castiel was starting to appreciate bars, even though he still didn't drink. People weren't formal and there were often laughs in the background. He wondered if bars hired professional cooks.

 

* * *

 

Jess was very, very nice, in a way that Hannah had never been, making Castiel realize how undemanding he had been in his relationship. She was also quiet and looked at Sam as if he held the world. Sam was returning the look, smiling at random and loosing his foot in conversations. Dean teased him over it, then talked about their upcoming wedding. It made Jess frown so Castiel asked, confused:

“Is there a problem?”

She sighed and shook her head:

“No, nothing serious. It's just... It's so expensive. We're not going for fancy but even then, the cost of the food is way too much for us.”

Dean opened his mouth but was silenced by Sam before he could speak up:

“No, Dean, you're not paying for it. We've discussed this. If we have to wait a little, so be it. It won't kill us.”

Dean pouted but Castiel put his hand on his knee. Dean turned to him with a small smile. Sam coughed. Jess coughed. The two men turned their gaze away from each other.

Some wheels had starting turning in Cas' mind and he blurted his thoughts before he could stop himself:

“How about I cook for you?”

 

Everyone looked at him in confusion.

“You mean you want to invite us for dinner? Sure, it would be great.” Sam said with a wide smile.

Castiel blushed and tried to turn his foggy ideas into words:

“Well, no... I mean, yes, why not... I was talking about the catering.”

Jess' face change in an instant, from pensive to fully glowing. Dean was frowning and Sam looked surprised. Castiel was wondering how on Earth he had ended saying that when Dean tugged at his hand:

“Excuse us for a minute, I have to talk to Cas.”

They walked to the counter and sat on the stools. Dean was soft in his movements and rubbed his thumb on Cas' knuckles as he spoke:

“Castiel, honey, it's very generous of you but where is this coming from? Last time I checked, my boyfriend was very shy and, while wonderful at cooking, not a professional. I'm sure Cas and Jess will understand if you back out.”

Cas frowned, hurt and bewildered:

“Is this how you intend to behave every time I have an idea, shut it down? Why wouldn't you support me? It's true that it was an impulse of the moment, but it also stems from an intense reflection over the last week. I am a good cook, passionate about it. And I can do hard work without problem. Plus, I don't remember you shushing Sam when he offered legal advice for free.”

He was getting worked out, shouting at Dean when he knew he was mostly arguing with himself.

Dean was silent, his features locked in a careful expression and Castiel got angrier. He felt Dean was always the better one in the relationship. Even when he got mad himself, he offered solid reasons. Castiel needed to be taken seriously, as another adult, but he didn't know how to express it.

 

Then he saw his boyfriend's countenance fade. Dean was looking at the ground, biting his mouth. He took his hand away and mumbled:

“That's not what I meant… I just… I'm not babying you, I promise. I… I don't want you to feel like you have to _deserve_ being a part of our family. I guess I don't know what goes on in that pretty head of yours, after all…”

“Oh…”

Castiel paused and examined his motives.

They were mostly self-centered he realized. Gabriel had planted a seed when talking about restaurants and part of him wanted to see if he could make it as a cook, but in a protected environment, with his real job still secure. Catering would be solitary, he would only answer to himself and the bride and groom.

“I guess I'm a protective son of a bitch. You're so beautiful, but you're strong in your own little way, stubborn as a mule.”

Castiel shoved him gently, chuckling. Dean smiled and moved forward cautiously. Castiel met him in the middle with a discreet peck on the lips.

 

After talking with Sam and Jess, they decided to schedule a meeting after having checked ingredients' prices and menu ideas. Dean volunteered for those, which made Sam pout in a serious, pointed way.

“And that's the bitch face of the day.” Dean said, getting up “Guess it's our cue to call it a night.” He yawned a little too strongly and Cas blushed, knowing what he had in mind. Sam looked even less pleased while Jess hid her laugh behind a paper napkin.

 

It turned out Dean was really tired as well as aroused. Castiel was torn between taking care of him and fuck him. He chose a middle ground and blew him in the shower. Dean's legs turned to jelly and he almost fell down. Castiel lifted him and brought him to the bedroom. He fell asleep after many sweet kisses, whispering:

“You're even stronger than I thought. You make me so happy.”

 

Castiel guessed he was happy too, but it was difficult to spot. He was still bitter and wrecked. Maybe it would be worse without Dean? He hoped that one day, he would look at him and feel that his all world was here.

 


	8. Chapter 8

Castiel was sitting in a sea of recipes.

 

He had littered the living-room floor with papers, having used a full cartridge to print most of them, opened the books he had just bought and filled them with bookmarks and was now staring at the wall in deep reflection. Which is why, when Gabriel touched his shoulder, he jumped and almost barked:

“Come on, Gabe, can't you see I'm busy, here?”

Gabe chuckled and said:

“I can see that, sure, but I got a question for you, bro. Have you moved at all since this morning?”

Castiel frowned, trying to focus back on his problem at hand, while still taking a look at the clock.

“It's only 5, Gabe, are you afraid I won't prepare your dinner?”

“Well, that and the fact that when I came home at 6 am, you were already reading that stuff and when I left again at 12 it was the same. I mean have you eaten anything? Or gone out at all?”

 

Cas shook himself out of his trance and pushed his brother aside. He got up quickly, then took a moment to steady himself as he felt a little lightheaded. Gabriel had a point.

He went to the kitchen and drank a glass of water. He felt a relief that plainly showed he had forgotten about his body for a long while.

“I thought you'd have spent the day with Dean-o, anyway.”

“No, that was yesterday. We always spend Sundays on our own.”

“Why?”

 

This was a question Castiel didn't wish to answer. He looked at his brother, who was fiddling with Castiel's efficient filing system of papers on the floor and walked to him, yanking his arm away.

“Don't, Gabe! This is important.”

His tone must have been a little harsh, or even very, because Gabriel actually took a step back, his eyes widening. Castiel sighed.

“I'm sorry, Gabe, it's just that when I think about cooking… it's as if everything else disappears and I can focus on it and I feel… at peace somehow.”

“All right, I get that. Did you forget your boyfriend too?”

He was pointing at Castiel's cell, which was vibrating on the floor, a few feet away. Castiel picked it up and retreated to his bedroom.

 

He glanced at the numbers on the screen, frowned and looked again. The phone was in silent mode and was displaying six missed calls and twenty texts. He opened the last one and read:

'Just tell me if you're alive honey please I'm dying here'

 

He called straight away. Dean picked up before the first ring ended:

“Cas?” The tone was composed but Castiel could still hear the tinge of worry.

His stomach twisted. Gabriel's question had been a simple one but the answer was hard to grasp. Castiel wanted days off from Dean even though, just hearing his voice made him feel grounded.

“Hello Dean. I'm sorry I didn't answer before I forgot the time and my phone was mute.”

“Oh.” Dean let out a breath, then went on: “Looks like I overreacted. You know, if you haven't read my other texts, you can delete them. And the voice mails. It's just that...”

 

Castiel waited. Dean sounded serious and he didn't open up often. After a few seconds he let a small: “Yes?”

“You know... my dad? One day, he went missing, just like that. And when I finally heard from him…”

“Oh, I understand. I'm sorry for triggering you, Dean.”

“Nah, it's me… I shouldn't…” There was silence again.

Cas felt his stomach tightening even more. He closed his eyes and focused on how he felt.

“Can I see you tonight?” he burst out.

And, yes that's what he wanted, what he needed. To see Dean, to connect with him, to balance his day. He realized that his need for private Sundays was mostly driven by fear. He wanted to prove to himself that he could be on his own, and strong and independent. But he didn't need to prove anything, he could just follow his heart.

 

When he saw Dean's smile, he knew he had made the right decision. They kissed for a minute, then sat on Dean's couch, eyes locked and arms around each other. Before he let himself be consumed by lust, Castiel put a hand on Dean's knee and said:

“I'd like to discuss something, if you don't mind.”

“Now?” the smirk was promising and slightly dirty but Castiel managed to focus.

“Yes, it's why I'm here tonight.”

“Oh, then shoot.”

“I feel there is an imbalance in our relationship.”

Dean arched his eyebrows but didn't interrupt. Castiel assumed it was due to his choice of words. “You've put all of you in it, without hesitations. You know where mine come from, but I am still being too cautious. And it's not because I don't care for you...”

They both gulped at this.

“… I do, but I was worried I would lose myself again, lose my strength, believe what I'm told instead of finding who I really am. And I realize I can do that and be with you fully. I'd like to commit a bit more.”

“As in…?” Dean was forgetting to breath, it seemed, so Castiel answered quickly and to the point:

“I'd like to give you a set of key to my apartment and if you desire, you could do the same. And if you feel like dropping by or if one of us just feels like doing something… I think we don't need to plan as much as before. And we could spend more time together.”

 

Dean didn't say a word, but his kiss did. It was conveying more raw emotion than sensuality and Cas felt moved to the core. It took them five full minutes before they were lying on the bed, undressing each other. They moved slowly, whispering sweet nothings. Castiel let himself fall in Dean's spell.

 

The next day, he went to work directly. He wore the same kind of suits on week-ends as well as for work, so no one seemed to notice. They did comment on his small grin, especially Samandriel, who asked if he got laid. Castiel didn't bother replying and waited for him to leave to send a text to Dean.

 


	9. Chapter 9

Castiel had never been so busy. He wondered if he had been awarded new minutes in his days because he couldn't understand how he could do it all.

Even Dean fit in the schedule, grumbling when Cas hadn't called, or turning up with a pizza when Cas had admitted on the phone that he hadn't eaten for a while.

“Honey, you have to listen to your body!”

Cas shrugged and winked as he ate his pizza slice:

“I do when you're around.”

Dean pretended to still lecture him but the big grin wasn't helping. It was so easy to make him happy.

 

The wedding was fast approaching and the problems had begun. He had to run across the town to find what he needed and avoid getting ripped off. He found that if he frowned too much, the sellers stopped trying to up the prices. One evening, he exposed that theory to Gabe who asked for a reenactment:

“Good god, Cassie, you look fierce! You remind me of...”

He stopped and bit his lip but Castiel had caught up. He could look as mean as Michael. Somehow it wasn't as traumatic as he would have thought. Michael was an ass but he was living the life he wanted. As long as Cas didn't treat his loved ones with contempt, or cheated, he could use a little respect.

 

Jess was a formidable opponent too. Quiet but obstinate, she sometimes forgot that Cas was volunteering and they got in a few arguments. He didn't tell Dean any of it, though. His boyfriend was protective to a fault and Cas didn't want him to fight for him, especially against family. When Jess caved and softly apologized for her excessive demands, he felt like a warrior. Sam looked at him differently afterward.

They hadn't discussed Castiel's divorce settlement yet. Cas had reasoned it could wait for a while. The envelopes from his brother kept popping up in the post and he hid all of them in a cupboard, unopened.

 

* * *

 

Then Dean came one morning, waking Gabe up, because of the door banging against the wall, and getting in a sock-fight with him, which, in turn, woke Castiel up. He walked sleepily to the living-room and was instantly used as a human shield by a giggling Dean:

“Dean! No violence before breakfast!”

“He started it!”

 

Castiel managed to get his brother to stop the attacks and prepare some coffee for the three of them.

“So, Dean, what brings you here at the edge of dawn to disrupt my royal sleep?”

Dean gave Castiel a good-morning kiss, then struck his tongue at Gabriel:

“First, jackass, it's 9:30.”

“Wayyy too early...”

“And second, I need moral support.” He gave Castiel a pleading look. Cas, who was already fine with helping with anything chuckled.

“I'm having my tuxedo fitted today. I'd rather get shoot in the foot but I gotta do this for Sammy. Would you come with me?”

 

Dean was fussing with the sleeves, loosening the bow tie, looked like he was getting strangled and all in all made Castiel smirk.

“Yes, laugh all you want, darling, not everyone wears suits all the time looking hot like you do.”

From the corner of his eye, Cas noticed the female seller jolt. He wondered if it was because they were two men together or if she had views on Dean.

“I don't know what you're talking about. I am used to wearing suits, it's true, which is why I will be wearing the same thing at the wedding as I do everywhere.”

Dean frowned and forgot his intention to tear the bow tie away:

“Why?”

“To save money. I don't own a lot of clothes. Only what I took in the train with me.”

Dean turned to the mirror and started playing with the handcuffs:

“So, when will you go back to take your other stuff back?”

“I won't. It's too complicated, Dean.”

“Cas, it's not...”

“Dean...”

He saw Dean's reflection pursing his lips and closed his eyes in frustration.

 

* * *

 

After careful planning, Castiel had found out a way of being part of the wedding while still preparing the food. It was to be cold buffet-style, with lots of signs explaining the dishes, along with 'Help Yourselves' notes. Dean had told Sam about the big garden near the greenhouse and they had managed to book it for free.

Dean and Gabe helped him lay everything out, then Jess and Sam came to check in. Castiel found himself with arms full of a grateful Jess whispering:

“Thank you so much Castiel, it's perfect, you're the best.”

He resisted the urge to push her away, to tell her that he wasn't worthy of compliments. Instead, he looked at Dean, at his proud smile and focused on enjoying that.

 

The ceremony was short, simple. Castiel couldn't help remembering his own wedding. It was bittersweet as he did have found memories and yet they had been tainted. He looked at Dean and suddenly wondered how old he was. What kind of age difference was separating them? He looked so beautiful, like that, smiling at his brother. Could Cas keep him? He remembered how much it had hurt, just the thought of Dean cheating on him. Was he really ready?

 

Jess' family kept complimenting him, so much so that after a while, he took a chair and retreated behind a bush, looking at the greenhouse. He and Dean had had their first date here.

“You remember?”

Dean was just behind him, a drink in hand. Cas nodded with a little smile.

“That's why I told Sam about it. I figured if it was romantic for you, they would like it.” Dean went on. He was tipsy but his eyes were clear.

“But you don't like it?”

“I could be anywhere with you and it would be romantic.”

He had circled Cas' legs and chair and was bending over. Cas responded to the kiss with delight. Dean smelled like champagne and hair product. He felt one hand rub his elbow while the other caressed his cheek.

“You know, I've never felt that a wedding was that big a deal... Kinda lame... But seeing Sam today...” He took a breath, beaming “I'm so happy for him. He's got it all. And I was thinking...”

He had stood up again, turning to the now empty rows of chairs : “Maybe one day, with the right person... It could be cool, you know...”

 

He gave a shy look in his direction. Cas had forgotten to breathe.

“Calm down, honey, I'm not proposing. I'm just saying...”

“Saying what?”

“I don't know... that you've changed me. That I love you...” The last words were just a whisper but they filled Castiel with warmth.

“I love you too Dean. But I can't think about that. I mean... I'm not even divorced.”

“No, you're not.”

Now Dean looked so sad, Castiel felt a punch in the gut.

“Give me some time Dean.”

“I've given you everything, Cas. Even my heart. And I know you love _me_ but... _her_ too, don't you?”

“It's not a switch button, Dean. I can't stop caring...”

“Even after what she did?”

 

They were staring at each other, angry and sad. But Castiel didn't want to lose what they had.

“I'll call Sam after his honeymoon. I'll have the papers signed in less than a month.”

He got up and took Dean in his arms, squeezing as hard as he could:

“I promise. You're the most important person in my life. I belong to you.”

 

They danced that night, along with the bride and groom, grinning at the people taking photographs, grinning even more at Jess' homophobic aunt who was giving them a death glare. Castiel didn't want to leave this peaceful bubble. He didn't even know how he would keep his promise to Dean. But he had to.

 


	10. Chapter 10

Now that the wedding was behind them, Castiel found himself at loss. He had become efficient and fast in his tasks and had focused so much on cooking that he had a hard time finding other things to do.

Dean had suggested a "Movie Night" but Castiel wasn't used to watching a screen for too long and after the first third of Star Wars, he started a discussion about the nature of that "Force" and wondered aloud why characters in stories always had to lose parental figures to be considered interesting. He had lost both parents and it didn't make him a hero, far from it.  
Dean sighed, paused the DVD and took Cas on his knees to shut him down with a kiss.

 

The next day, he put on "I Robot" and asked Cas to focus on the movie.  
Castiel lasted a little longer before bringing up the fact that it was nothing like the book and didn't make sense. Dean closed his eyes, chuckling:  
"You can't stop analyzing, can't you? Why don't you just enjoy the film?"  
Cas frowned and looked back at the screen. The fast-paced action sequences were difficult to follow. He had always been someone slow and reflective. When the movie ended, he smiled apologetically:  
"I'm afraid I'm more of a reader than an audience, Dean. I'm sorry."  
"Nah, it's okay. Maybe you just like other genre in movies. I can try and look for more nerdy ones..."  
"There's no need, I assure you. Gabriel offered me a film adaptation of one of my favorite novels and it's still in my bed table, fully wrapped ."  
"What's the title?"  
"Remains of the day. It's a film about servants, fascism and social classes in Great Britain."  
Dean inhaled loudly:  
"Yeah, Sam told me about it. Not my thing. Sometimes, if Jess wasn't here, I think you should date Sammy rather than me..."  
Castiel felt his good mood vanish:  
"I'm sorry again, Dean. I gather this doesn't make me a good boyfriend?"  
"What? No! It's just, you're an intellectual. And I can't be that. I see you're bored these days. I thought I was enough, but..."

Castiel hated those moments when Dean and he felt like strangers. It made him doubt, wonder if he could make efforts and change, as he had tried to for Hannah.

But then, he pictured Michael, looking at him with disdain, manipulating him. He had to stay strong, question everything. Was there some truth in what Dean had said? He looked at his lover who was staring at the wall, biting his nails. That was a good reminder of the vulnerability Dean hid so well.

  
"I'm not bored because of you Dean."  
Dean grimaced but stayed silent. Cas felt that explaining what he missed exactly along with his identity crisis would be too long and not something that would reassure Dean. He forced himself not to panic and took Dean's hand:  
"I'm discovering who I am, Dean. Like I did as a teenager. I was robbed of my independence by my controlling older brother and now I'm not sure what I really like. Expect one thing and that's any time spent with you. I'm sure we can find some common interests, or even if we don't, we can learn to be in the other's space and be content. I mean, I know some things about you but not nearly enough. What is your favorite activity?"  
"I like... I like working on the Impala. Or any cars really..." Dean said in a whisper.  
Castiel nodded:  
"Will you work on it this weekend?"  
"On her, yes." Dean grumbled. Cas liked that he did, it was much better than him looking sad.  
"How about, I bring a book with me and I sit next to you in your garage. We can talk when we want but there won't be any pressure."  
Dean gave him a side smile:  
"I like that. You'll have to wear something else, though, your suit wouldn't survive the grease."  
"Do you want me to buy something new, then?"  
"Nah, I'll find you an overall somewhere. 

 

* * *

 

The overall was a little too tall, had a flashy color, looked shapeless and was itchy in places. Yet, when Dean saw him approach, his jaw dropped.  
"Wow, Cas... You have... really, really blue eyes."  
"Is this attire appealing to you?"  
Dean nodded and kissed Cas' cheek:  
"Yes, it is. You're a walking kink like that."  
He had found an old armchair and put it in a corner, a few feet from the car. Castiel sat and took out his book.

"Sam called. There's a hurricane down there."  
"Really? That is worrying."  
"Nah, he says, they're inside the hotel and he's found the library. Knowing my brother, Jess will spend the rest of the honeymoon on her own".  
Cas snorted:  
"I highly doubt that."  
Dean looked up from the engine. He had a black stain on his nose. Castiel wanted to kiss it even if it would have been a terrible idea.  
"Why?"  
"Because Jess is a very beautiful woman."  
Dean frowned and dug back under the hood:  
"Not thinking about my sister-in-law like that, man."  
Castiel went back to his book but something was nagging him:  
"Dean?"  
"Whaaat?"  
"Do you miss it?"  
He heard a clung followed by rattling noises. Dean struggled a bit, then he finally looked up again:  
"What were you saying?"  
"I was wondering... Do you miss them... the women?"  
Dean laughed so hard, it made Castiel jump on the chair.  
"You have no idea do you?"  
"What do you mean?"  
"You sit there, looking gorgeous even in a damn overall, watching me do something you don't know anything about... And every time you look at me, I feel... I can't think about anyone else, not since I met you."  
"Thank you Dean, I needed to hear that."

And Cas did get a greasy kiss after all. And he almost didn't mind.

 

 


	11. Chapter 11

At work, it was getting more and more difficult to focus. It was a quiet week and Castiel's heart wasn't in it anymore. Luckily Samandriel was looking for distractions, so he popped up at Cas' desk regularly. At one point, Castiel told him about Sam's wedding and how he had catered the whole meal. Samandriel looked so impressed, Castiel almost burst out that he had exaggerated, and it wasn't admirable in any way but his colleague didn't leave him time to:

"Seriously? You cook that well? It must have been tons of work."

"Yes and no. It was a small wedding, only about 40 people. The longest was finding where to buy in bulk so it wouldn't cost too much."

"And how much did it cost in total?"

Castiel did a quick calculation, mumbling in his breath. Numbers were so easy but they were soulless. He wrote down an estimate. Samandriel whistled.

"Good god, that's a bargain!"

"I didn't provide service though. It's easier to work on my own. I guess waiters would make a big difference."

"Then how did it work?" Samandriel looked more enthusiastic about it than Cas had ever felt. All through it, he had been driven, but calm.

"It was free helping. Everyone was told about it and to wait before taking second helping. There weren't any children which must have helped."

"Nice..." Samandriel's voice had dropped. He sat on the edge of the desk and raised a thoughtful finger:

"Say... My cousin is getting married in about a month. You think you could work something with them?"

"I... I don't know..."

"Why not?"

"Well, Sam is a friend and... almost family, so I was just helping along. But legally, it's more complicated. I'd have to register, take an insurance to work for a stranger. And take fees for myself."

"Well why don't you?"

  
  


Why didn't he?

Because it was real and frightening. Because he didn't even have a home or any savings. And mostly because he wasn't divorced so half of it would be his wife's too. So it was back to square one.

  
  


On Friday night, he took out every unopened envelopes.

There were so many he had to throw them around on his bed and look for the oldest one as he was certain Michael had just gotten more and more heinous with the next letters.

He opened it with shaking fingers and started to read.

  
  


He didn't sleep that night. He kept wondering if there were traps underneath the legal wording, why there was so much insistence on him not claiming money and also why Hannah had it stated that she wanted divorce on the ground of "emotional distress". He had been ready not to bring the cheating in the proceeding but only so that it could all be all be dealt with quietly. Her attack made no sense. They had always gotten along. Maybe it was Michael's idea and she didn't know about it?

  
  


In the morning, he called Sam and they agreed to meet at Dean's.

He brought some cookies he had prepared the day before and used his own key. It was always making him shiver to own it, as if he had been given access to a part of Dean's bright soul.

  
  


His boyfriend was still in boxers, eating cereals with the TV on. His eyes lit up when he saw him but Castiel waited for him to finish gulping his milk down and use a paper napkin before he accepted a kiss.

They stayed there for a moment, just staring at each other. Dean had a little smile on, as if he knew something funny and he wouldn't tell. Castiel almost had a change of heart to call Sam and cancel the meeting but he also knew how important it was to Dean that the papers got signed.

He gave Dean a fresh kiss and whispered:

"Sam is coming here to work with me on the divorce papers. In the mean time, so that I don't get distracted, can you check my car? There is a funny noise when I turn the wheel."

"Sure, honey." Dean's smile widened : "You're staying the day, aren't you?" It was barely a question. Castiel nodded.

  
  


After an hour, Sam sighed and passed his hand through his hair:

"I'm sorry Castiel, but you can't sign those papers as they are. If you did, you'd lose everything you and Hannah ever earned or bought in common. In fact, given that you didn't sign a prenup, you're even entitled to part of the house's value if you've helped pay for its maintenance. I don't know what kind of lawyer wrote these, but they make no sense. The law in case of divorce is equitable repartition not one person keeping every dime."

Cas frowned:

"Why send them, then?"

"Because if you had signed and sent them back then it would be too late. You can only disagree if you choose to."

Cas took a long breath in. He didn't like what was unfolding. He wondered if Michael had been pressuring Hannah or if he had just taken care of things on his own. The word 'equitable' made sense. Castiel looked at Sam with renewed strength:

"Could you write a counter offer of some kind? Something fair and within the confine of the law?"

Sam smiled:

"Sure. I'll have to dig deeper in the specific laws for your former state though, so it will take a little time.”

“Of course. I appreciate your help, Sam.”

“Don't mention it. I owe you after the wonderful meal you provided. People keep talking about it, how good it was. I think you'll be asked to cater for other events soon.”

Castiel sighed:

“I've gotten one already. I don't really understand. Cooking for a living has been a dream these past months, but somehow, I feel that I'm being humored, that it can't be real.”

He felt a hand on his shoulder and a kiss in his hair:

“That's ridiculous. You're the best ever. Your food's so good, sometimes I dream of it.”

Sam nodded:

“You should take Dean at his word, he's an expert on enjoying good food. Always has been.”

“Well, you might not remember but there were times when we had nothing to eat for a while. So, I'm making up for it.” Dean must have meant that in jest, but the sadness in his tone didn't escape Cas. He grabbed his hand and gave it a soft peck.

  
  


Sam left before lunch 'because Jess said she will cook for me and that doesn't happen often...' so Cas set out to prepare something delicious to spoil his man. Dean did feel spoiled and barely finished eating before peppering Castiel with daring kisses.

  
  


They ended up staying in bed, or around it the whole afternoon and when the evening came, it wasn't too difficult for Dean to convince him to stay for the night. Castiel changed in one of Dean's T-shirt and let himself be wrapped up in the big strong arms. After Dean said 'I love you', he slumbered off. Castiel could hardly move but it didn't matter. At least the divorce papers weren't dancing in his head. Instead, the next morning, he woke up rested and remembered dreaming about Dean.

 


	12. Chapter 12

They saw Sam again a few days later, over dinner-and-helping-with-the-packing. He and Jess would be moving at the end of the month in a cute house that Dean had pointed out one day as they were driving to the theater. As Jess was explaining:

"We really didn't want to spend too much on the wedding and honeymoon because of the house, you see. It will last us for years. I would hate to have children and not have enough room for them because I wanted a "big white", you know?"

Gabriel, who Castiel had managed to coax into coming to help, replied seriously:

"This is why I'll never marry. You're the most reasonable, hot-looking, generous woman I've never met and Gigantor here got you first."

Sam let out an offended yelp while Jess beamed at Gabe. Cas shook his head and caught Dean's little smile.

"Well, yeah, that's right, you can't have her and she's mine now!" Sam had recovered apparently, talking in an over-dramatic tone. Jess looked at him, then at Gabe like she didn't know which one to choose, then let out a big sigh:

"Sorry, Gabe but he's got the house, so..."

"Plus you live with your brother" Sam added with a smug expression.

"Hey!"

Castiel looked in surprise at Dean defending him. He stroke his man's arm and said evenly:

"Well, it is true, I am living with Gabriel, which makes both of us pathetic I guess."

"Nope, you're getting divorced and you've lost your home because you're a freaking gentleman."

There was much more than teasing in that statement, Castiel felt. Dean sounded just a bit bitter, like he did every time Hannah was mentioned.

There was a moment of uneasiness before Sam changed the subject:

"Anyway, the honeymoon was worth every dollar we spent for it. No need to go to the end of the world to have a good time!"

Jess made a face at this:

"Well... I did love it but I wouldn't say no to traveling abroad some day. Not to resorts of course but just, see the world."

  
  


Castiel was only vaguely following the conversation. He was clearing the table for dessert, which he had brought and was wondering how much Dean would like it.

"I've never been outside the States but I've traveled a lot anyway. My baby can vouch for that."

Castiel smiled at the endearing term Dean used for his car. There was no confusion as he himself was referred to as 'honey'.

He felt like contributing to the conversation somehow:

"I'm afraid I'm the most recluse of you all. Up until this year, I had never left my hometown."

Gabe turned to him, one eyebrow arched up:

"You mean outside of your honeymoon?"

Castiel frowned:

"I didn't have one, Gabriel."

But his brother was shaking his head:

"Sure you did. I wasn't at your wedding, and I apologize for that, big time, but I'm pretty sure you went away."

  
  


Castiel put his cake on the table, catching Dean's awed expression and smirked:

"Looks like I did good again. And no, Gabe, Hannah was very wise too, as much as Jess. Our wedding was intimate and after it we stayed home quietly."

  
  


The silence made him turn again. Gabriel looked flabbergasted:

"But... but... I helped pay for it!"

Now he had all of Cas' attention. This did not make sense in the least:

"How would you have paid for anything. We didn't have a list."

"You did! I got it with the announcement and I went to the place and they said there was just the honeymoon and that I could participate any amount I wanted, that you guys would just know who had chipped in. I mean, I wondered why I didn't get a postcard at the time, but I thought it was because you were pissed I hadn't shown up. "

He looked so disoriented that Cas felt even worse as he was trying to digest what he had just heard.

"Gabriel, I swear to God that I didn't do any of those things. In fact, I asked Michael to call you as I didn't have your number but he said you had changed it and he couldn't find you..." The realization dawned on him: "... and I believed him."

  
  


Sam had sat back and put on his lawyer face:

"Cas, can I ask you a few questions?"

"Yes?"

"They might be indiscreet so if you want, we can go in another room..."

"No, it's all right, Sam. You are all family."

Dean grinned at that and used the hand that wasn't caressing Cas' to swipe the cake's chocolate icing. Sam went on:

"So, did you and Hannah set up a joint account?"

"Yes, we did."

"OK, and did you also open a saving account?"

"Well, the banker advised it so we did. At first we put our extra money on it, until the water heater almost burst. We used the savings we had but we never got back to putting money on it."

"Are you sure?”

Castiel was getting irritated. Sam was suggesting something that didn't hold up:

"It was a private account, Sam. Michael couldn't have taken money off it without us knowing. And as I said, it was empty."

"I'm not talking about Michael." Sam's voice was firm. Castiel didn't answer, stunned by the enormity of what he had been told.

  
  


After a while he managed to say:

"Don't be ridiculous, Hannah told me everything. She was loyal and truthful and a very good wife."

The cake fell as Dean got up. He stormed out, slamming the door behind him. It had happened so fast, Castiel didn't have time to stop him or even call him back.

  
  


"Awkward" Gabriel said. Jess pinched her lip and nodded. Castiel put his head in his hands.

 


	13. Chapter 13

Castiel tossed and turned in his bed.

He was conflicted, horribly.

On the one hand, if Michael and Hannah had made a fool out of him, it was easier for him to ask for what he was due in the divorce proceeding.

On the other hand, and again if Sam's idea turned out to be right, then it meant he had to look back at all of his married years, and even in the ones before the marriage, and accept the fact that he had been wrong about the person he loved and who claimed to love him. It meant that he had wasted all this time, for nothing. The thought hurt horribly.

  
  


And of course Dean's anger didn't help. He hadn't answered his cell, even when Jess had tried to call.

Castiel didn't understand. Was he jealous? Of course, it was understandable that he would be a little hurt that Cas still had strong feelings for someone else, but the reaction he had every time she was mentioned was worrying.

He looked at the time and tossed some more. He had to wait till the bank was open to call. And even then, there was a risk that their account was blocked.

He sighed. He really hoped Sam was a good lawyer and not too young.

He also hoped he had been wrong and Hannah was innocent. She had to be.

 

* * *

 

The morning went on and Dean was still shining by his absence. Castiel had eaten breakfast because Gabriel had insisted. It tasted like cardboard, all of it and he wasn't hungry anyway. His stomach was busy hurting and spasming every five minutes. Sam came in and asked Cas to put the phone on speaker. They sat opposite each other with serious expressions. Castiel missed Dean even more. He needed his smile, his affection, his lightness.

But the door was slamming endlessly in his mind. He sighed and focused on the ringing. He never liked calling strangers, even professionals. He focused on his breathing, then pretended he was at work, preparing about something unrelated to him. It helped a lot.

Sam nodded when he asked to speak to the person handling his accounts. Castiel felt really relieved that Sam still wanted to help him, even when he was fighting with Dean. It said a lot about his ethics. As he listened to the insipid background music, he decided, from now on, to only surround himself with people he could trust.

Which meant that Dean had better prove himself.

  
  


At lunch, Castiel was still shaking. Even though he had tried to prepare himself, hearing from the banker how much was on the saving account had been a shock. He remembered the divorce paper's wording extremely well. Every penny left to Hannah.

He was beyond angry, swimming in a rage that was making his vision waver. He wanted to smite Michael. He wanted to slap Hannah and the feeling was frightening in his intensity.

Gabriel, surprisingly was smiling:

"Good to see you riled up, Cas. I was worried dear Michael had succeeded in subduing you forever. I wouldn't like to be in his place now." His smile grew larger, then he frowned and tapped the table with an absent-minded finger: "Dean-o had better watch where he sits, though. I don't like that he makes you suffer even more, just at the time when you need the most support. " He cracked his hands and added "I'll have to think of a good prank for that. I'm a bit rusted."

Castiel sent him a dark look but stayed silent. He was angry at Dean too. Well, not so much angry, as disappointed and bitter. A little voice reminded him Dean must have felt the same when Cas had refused to meet Sam the first time. It didn't change the fact that he wasn't there, holding Cas' hand and kissing his cheek.

Said cheek was wet and Castiel wiped it impatiently. He was tired of crying, of being a victim. He pushed his plate away, stood up and walked to the door.

"Hey, where you going little bro'?"

"To Sam's. I have decided what I want him to do."

 

* * *

 

He knocked at the door as calmly as he could, even though he wanted to smash it. Sam opened it and frowned at him, his lips twitching slightly:

"Oh, hey, Cas, has something happened since this morning?"

A chair was scraped against the floor behind him. Castiel waited a moment but Sam didn't invite him. It confirmed his suspicions that Sam wasn't sitting with Jess.

But if Dean was avoiding him, Castiel wasn't going to pressure him. So he looked up at Sam's conflicted face and enounced:

"I want to fight in court."

"Well, I'm not saying you shouldn't, but we could try writing a counter proposition first. They might agree to it if they realize you're above their emotional manipulation..."

And Sam meant well, he did, but Castiel didn't like being reminded what a puppet he had been:

"You don't understand. I want them to be punished. I want Hannah to be judged by every person who will hear what she's done to me."

"Hum, yeah, about that... Technically you both have been unfaithful. I mean she betrayed you that is for sure, but you're still married and I do happen to know very well that you are in a relationship right now."

Castiel straightened up:

"I am aware. But she cheated on me with my own brother. And I'm certain that it will weigh much more in terms of 'emotional distress.' And I'm ready to disprove anything false she could accuse me of."

  
  


Sam looked pensive, then he moved a bit, gesturing Cas in:

"Looks like you're all set. I'll prepare the injunction. In the meantime, I think you and my brother should talk. I'm fed up seeing you both suffer."

  
  


Dean wasn't in the living-room. There was an open beer on the table, though and another all emptied. Castiel looked around, then marched to Sam's bedroom. No Dean. He turned around and tried the door to the small study room. The handle resisted:

"Is he gone, Sam?"

Castiel heard himself growl:

"No, I'm not gone, Dean. Sam suggested that we talk and I believe he is right once again. I don't intend on forcing you so if you'd rather I leave, I will. But you will be single after that."

  
  


The door opened.

Dean's eyes were red and blotchy. Castiel felt all his anger melt away. He held a comforting hand but Dean pushed it away:

"No, don't." He sighed: "You're right, we should talk."

 


	14. Chapter 14

Dean was sitting at the desk, another can of beer in hand.

Cas, who had refused being given one, was standing a foot away, feeling the anger and nausea fill him to the brim.

He had meant it when he said Dean could become single, and yet he feared it so much. It wasn't that he thought that he couldn't live without him in his life. After all, he had recently realized that he was better when taking charge of his whole life instead of letting others pretend to help him. No, the feeling was more primal and gut wrenching.

  
  


"I'm letting you down. I'm such an ass..."

"I did not come to hear you say such things, Dean. I want a real explanation."

Dean closed his eyes, his lips trembling. Cas waited.

  
  


"It's not that I'm jealous, I swear."

"I could understand you being jealous, Dean. Hannah left me. If she hadn't, we'd still be together. So I didn't choose anything."

"Yeahhh... But in that case, we couldn't have met. And that would be a shame, but no, it's not that. I mean I do feel hurt but..."

Dean took a gulp, strummed on the can, then placed it on the desk. Castiel was looking at his fingers, fascinated despite himself. He missed those, as he missed everything that was Dean. But he had to leave him the space to express what was bothering him. They both needed that.

  
  


Finally, Dean looked up and took a deep breath:

"You know, if you still loved your ex and she could still make you happy, I think I would accept that you go back to her. Well, I would surely punch a wall, or drink whiskey all night long."

He mumbled something that sounded a lot like :"And cry I guess..." Cas felt even sadder.

"But I don't intend to."

"I know. I'm... I'm bad at explaining. Each time you mention Hannah, you're always forgiving and kind. Every time."

Was he? Cas couldn't say. Since he heard about the betrayal, he could hardly conceive having loved her at all.

"How is that a bad thing? Would you want me to be bitter or vengeful?" He was about to add that he was now, but Dean shook his head.

"No. I love that you're so sweet. But she doesn't deserve it. At all. She's been a c*t, through and through and yet you defend her. And I'm angry for you..." Dean's voice was getting louder, passionate.

Cas opened wide eyes.

Dean went on, more forcefully:

"I'm so mad that I want to go there and punch her face. I won't, of course. It's frightening to feel like that. And I don't want to yell at you and make you feel bad when you're being such an angel. That's why I left. I didn't want to snap."

  
  


He was looking at Cas again and the love was back in his eyes. Castiel sat on the desk and took Dean's hand in it.

"You see?" Dean's voice was high-pitched, "I've messed up and you're comforting me. You're kind to everyone, Cas. And you shouldn't be. You shouldn't let Hannah walk all over you. You're worth the world. At least to me. And it's so frustrating..."

  
  


He was cut off by Cas kissing him. They were also crying, their tears mingling on their cheeks. Castiel was panting but he managed to say:

"I'm the one who should be apologizing, Dean. You're right, I'm too nice and it is a flaw. I've decided not to be weak anymore and that's thanks to you, in a way. You have shown me what it is to be truly respected."

Dean tried to answer, but he was sobbing now. Cas didn't want him to refute what he had just said, so he kissed him again, stealing his tongue, sitting in his lap. He would have stayed there but the door opened.

  
  


"Okay, guys, I'm really glad you made up but could you not be all gross in my study? I'd like to still be able to use it."

Dean chuckled, making Cas' heart sing and grumbled "Bitch."

"Jerk. Sorry Cas, I'm not throwing you out. You guys want a snack or something?"

"No, thank you, Sam. You're the kindest of us all, it could seem. But I would like to go to Dean's place, now."

Sam looked relieved and gave them a big grin. Cas stood up and pulled Dean upright. He let him swipe his cheeks and go to the bathroom and waited for him at the door.

  
  


The Impala was parked in the garage, welcoming Cas in its soothing interior. Dean was calm enough to drive but kept glancing at him:

"Eyes on the road, Dean. I would like not to die today."

"Sorry..." The small smile was apologetic but also happy. Once again, Castiel marveled at how little Dean asked of him. He was content with Cas just being with him, letting him be whoever he wanted to be.

"You know, Dean, even if Hannah had turned completely innocent in this, I would still not go back with her. I'm happier with you."

The clutch roared. Dean swore and steadied his trembling hand.

  
  


Castiel had mostly been the one coming inside Dean, so their lovemaking was not so different that day. But he felt more assertive, taking what he wanted. He was feeling alive and whole and that meant being allowed to desire, to plunder. Dean was moaning with abandon, encouraging him. They didn't even say 'I love you', because they didn't need to. It was there, in the way Dean opened his legs, in the way Cas kissed and bit him, as gently as he could. It was there in the silent exchange their eyes conveyed.

Cas came at the same time as Dean, floating in ecstasy, proud of being this man's lover and grateful for him.

 

 


	15. Chapter 15

Castiel sat on his mattress and let out a long sigh. Catering Sam's wedding had been nothing, stress-wise, compared to his divorce procedures. Each day, he had something in the mail or a phone call about it. True he had chosen this eyes wide open. It would have been much easier to cave and let things be settled quickly. Self-respect was tiring.

 

He was lying, fully clothed but ready for a nice nap, when he heard a roaring commotion. It looked like Gabriel was home early. Castiel loved his brother but living with him was an ordeal. He closed his eyes again, trying to catch his sleep, but his door opened with a bang:

"Oops! Sorry, little bro. I wanted to ask you something."

Cas sat back, weary.

"What is it, Gabe?"

"I've met this chick the other day, and, wow! is she something. Name's Kali. I have a feeling she's fiery in bed and that's why, I wanted to ask if you could have a sleepover at your boyfriend. Cuddle in his bed or kiss his temple, or whatever innocent little things you guys get up to, while I get to have adult-time" he wriggled his eyebrows "with my Indian beauty."

 

Castiel could have described his first encounter with Dean and have Gabriel blush but he didn't feel up to it. The favor would be good for him too, anyway. He missed Dean even though they had slept together merely two days prior:

"I'll ask him if he's free."

"Great! You're a real bro, bro! And, while we're at complimenting you... You are one of the greatest cook ever..."

Castiel cut him off:

"I'll prepare dinner for you two, yes. Is there something else you need from me? A kidney perhaps?"

 

Gabe bit his lip:

"I'm asking too much, is that it? Sorry, Cassie, I'll change the plans. I guess I can find a sweet hotel room, not too expensive..."

"No, Gabriel, it's all right, I was jesting."

"Jesting? How are we related when you speak like a walking dictionary?"

Castiel shrugged:

"Dean likes it."

Gabe roared, his head thrown backward:

"He's trying to get boyfriend points, Cas. And anyway he thinks the sun shines out of your..."

"Can I take my nap, now, Gabe? If I have to cook later, I need to be rested."

"Sure, I'll get outta your hair. Quiet as a mouse, promise."

 

But even though Gabriel was one of Cas' favorite persons and rightly so, he was never good with promises or quiet. Castiel gave up sleeping, scratched something easy but tasty (he was careful not to cook Indian food out of respect) and texted Dean to let him know he was coming. He didn't bother ask, as he knew that his boyfriend would likely cancel any plans he may have if it meant spending the night together. 

 

He smiled. Maybe Gabriel was right.

 

* * *

 

Dean gave him a head massage for his growing headache. Castiel groaned and sank under the comforter, ready to melt with it. He barely heard the first words of Dean's question:

"...dealing with the divorce things? You look tired honey, more than usual. You have dark lines under your beautiful eyes and I don't like it."

He looked at Dean smiling gently at him and held his hand:

"It is very stressful and I wish things were over. My work is not helping."

"Really? Thought it was a piece of cake for you?"

"It is, but there's a deadline that I have to meet. Plus it's extremely boring and doesn't help taking my mind off unpleasant thoughts."

He anticipated the eyebrow wiggle. Dean was a little predictable in the flirting department:

"Can I help, then?"

Cas almost answered but was taken over by a yawn. He felt his eyelids droop:

"Not right now, sorry. It's been a long day."

 

He woke up in the middle of the night, tangled in Dean's arms, his peaceful heartbeat against Castiel's back.

He needed this. At this moment, everything fell into place, his brain could get perspective, his heart wasn't hurting as much.

He switched on the light, kissed Dean's cheeks gently, then his nose. He waited for him to stir and whispered:

"Dean?"

"Mmmmm?"

"I'm ready now."

 

Dean had protested. Castiel even felt bad for waking him. They made love lazily. Dean was easy to open, easy to penetrate. Castiel felt home, inside him, inside the bedroom, inside the whole apartment. He said so in the afterglow, when his inner defenses were low. Dean caught on it, eyes wide and turned to him:

"You mean, you would...?" he paused and frowned "No, never mind, I misunderstood. But thanks, honey, I love it when you say that."

"What did you think I was saying, Dean?"

The answer was shy but Dean's eyes were shining, even in the quasi dark:

"We could live together? Here or in a new place, as you want. But I guess it's too early, so forget about it."

"No."

 

Dean looked distressed. Castiel didn't understand. Wasn't Dean sure?

"I got it, Cas. I won't ask again."

"Oh! I was not saying 'no' to this. Just that I did not want to forget. Life with Gabriel is too crowded while with you, I can breathe again. And you wouldn't need to move. I like it here."

Dean's smile was stronger than the lamps' light:

"Awesome."

 

* * *

 

It was indeed awesome, Cas reflected, a few weeks later. The divorce procedure was still harrowing but he could deal with it better. He would hear Dean shout:

"I'm hoooome!" and he would be happy.

He would see Dean lay the table for breakfast, carefully, as if he was a waiter in a fancy restaurant, and he would feel content and entertained. 

He would lay in their bed, comfortable and warmed by Dean's presence and he wondered why he hadn't moved in before. Why he had moved in with someone else.

And it didn't matter that it gave Hannah some weapons against him. He would have to face her in court, sooner or later and that required tremendous strength. Dean' s love was an endless supply of braveness.


	16. Chapter 16

Since Castiel had moved out, Gabriel came often for dinner:

"Because no one's cooking at home anymore, brother. I have to take Kali to restaurants now."

Castiel felt Dean's hand patting his knee under the table. He smiled at Gabe:

"You could cook yourself, you know? I don't think you were starving before I came."

Gabriel's eyes shifted. He mumbled something like:

"... might have told her it was all me the other time... she would notice..."

Dean laughed out loud. Gabe glared and threw a pistachio shell at him. Dean gasped and glared back so Castiel grabbed his jaw and kissed him to distract him from starting a food fight.

 

Dean smiled stupidly and looked at Gabriel with a smirk:

"Guess, he's cooking for _me_ , now... And I have the mean to keep him too."

Gabe frowned then mimed puking. Castiel shook his head:

"All right, children, do I have to put both of you in time out?"

Dean put his hand on his chest and opened his mouth in fake distress. Gabriel cackled.

For a moment, Castiel wondered if Dean wouldn't be happier with someone who was more like him, more Gabriel-like.

Then Dean kissed him fiercely and whispered:

"You sound so hot like that. Mind if I kick your brother out?"

 

Gabriel had protested but Dean had started kissing Castiel's ear with his tongue out. Gabe had shivered of disgust and ran out.

 

Now, they were lying side to side, Dean's head resting on his hand as he was watching Castiel intensely:

"Why are you frowning, honey? Didn't you like it?"

His voice was just on this side of vulnerable. Castiel offered him a grin and shook his head:

"I always like our love making, Dean. I was just reflecting."

"About what?"

It was asked gently, as if it didn't matter if he answered but Cas opened up:

"Well, first, tonight, I watched you interact with my brother and I wondered if you needed someone more fun than I."

Dean's eyes went all soft and his smile turned just a little sad:

"Cas..."

But Castiel interrupted. This had been earlier and he felt different now.

"Don't worry Dean. This kind of insecure thoughts happen less and less often these days. But then, right now, I was remembering how you two were sort of fighting over me and who I live with and cook for."

This time, Dean's smile was happier. He took a big breath that made his chest expand:

"That's because you're a catch. And you're mine."

"Yes, I am." He let himself get caught in the wonderful feeling of being wanted for a while then resumed his explanations:

"It's a strange thing for me to be sought after like that. I'm not used to being so important to other, you see."

Dean's eyes were wide. His hand was caressing Cas' arm gently, as if it would break:

"Oh, god, honey..." He finished with a gargling sound. Cas raised his head and kissed him deeply:

"I'm still far from being fully healed but every progress I've made was thanks to you."

 

They made love again. It wasn't possible not to.

 

* * *

 

The court hearing was nearing and there was still much to be done. Sam was digging and it wasn't pretty.

It turned out Castiel had been left some money from his parents on a saving account which Michael had failed to mention. But it had been emptied, some times after his wedding and poured into the infamous, other, shared saving account.

Hannah could have pulled this one off easily, as his wife and maybe the bank teller hadn't been too strict on protocol.

 

What boggled the mind was why she had been so intent on marrying him at first if even then she was doing things behind his back?

The money she had scraped wasn't worth forcing herself, was it?

Castiel knew she was the only one who could answer that. At first, it didn't seem to matter but somehow, he felt now that he deserved some answers. So many things didn't make sense. He was free from her but in order to move on he had to understand. And the court hearing wouldn't be the place for that.

 

One Sunday, Dean was lying on the couch, looking peaceful. Castiel decided he could probe a little:

"Dean?"

"Mmm?"

"Can I ask you something?"

“Sure.”

Dean made some room next to him but Castiel sat on the armchair. He wanted to stay clear-headed:

"There's a point to this. You can choose not to answer of course. Before you met me, have you ever been in love? As in, in a steady relationship, even for a short time? You said you didn't want to commit but still...?"

Dean's face was blank. Castiel waited, ready for a subject change or a kiss. But there was neither. Instead, Dean closed his eyes and murmured:

"Maybe..."

"All right..." He said, slowly, "I don't need to know the details of what happened at all. It's more about the after. After things have ended. Did you have a talk?"

Dean's eyes popped open:

"You're frightening me, Cas!"

"No, no, Dean, don't worry. I'm talking about my ex." This didn't seem to placate Dean but he didn't answer so Castiel went on:

"I don't know what I should do. And I need your support in this. If you tell me not to, I will listen."

Dean held his hand to grab Castiel's fingers and squeezed them:

"Stop beating about the bush, then. What is it about?"

Castiel sighed:

"I believe I should have a conversation with Hannah. I want to know why she married me in the first place."

"Oh."

 

There was a long pause. Then Dean spoke, fighting to get the words out:

"There was this girl, Lisa. We both saw other people. She got pregnant and wouldn't say if it was mine or not. It was messy. We both hurt each other. In the end, she went to be with the father of her child. I don't know if things worked out for her but, yes we talked. Wayyy later, though, when things were behind us."

Castiel thanked him with a smile. Dean rarely talked about his past.

"I understand, Cas, I really do, but if you want my opinion, you should wait. It took us so long to get you angry enough to fight her. You need to keep that anger intact for the court or you'll get screwed over. I'm sure Hannah won't hesitate to try and manipulate you."

"Oh... That is a good point. You are very wise."

Dean's laugh startled Castiel enough for him to let himself be pulled on the couch, inside Dean's arms.

"I'm really not, but thank you anyway, honey. I'm glad you asked me. It feels like we're a team now. A pair of adults. And it doesn't even freak me out."

 


	17. Chapter 17

A week. Just a week left before the first court date.

Castiel was feeling numb.

  


He would sit next to the window and look at the street, at all these people with simpler life, who knew who they were and where they were going, who weren't messes.

He didn't answer his phone, nor his brother's texts. He left his cell on the night stand.

He stopped answering Dean too. In bed, he lied still, moving sideways whenever Dean touched him, even on accident. Dean didn't try anything and Cas didn't explain. He wouldn't have known what to say.

He left for work, did what he was asked, then came back in a trance.

He felt broken and didn't understand why.

Dean looked sad so Castiel avoided his gaze. He ate food that his boyfriend cook or that came from a box. He couldn't have said what he had just eaten.

  


All the fire and anger were gone, washed away. There was no more love, not because it had vanished, but because it was buried deep inside his soul and the way to it was too clogged.

  


He thought about canceling everything, sign any version of those papers Michael had sent so many times. But thinking about his brother made him feel physically sick.

  


He was kneeling over the toilet seat, his throat burned by the incessant puking when he felt a cold damp cloth being pressed on the back of his head.

It helped a lot.

He turned to finally look at his partner. Dean's jaw was set and there wasn't any sadness in his eyes anymore.

An immense fear swept over Castiel. He had pushed Dean away. This was the limit.

  


But when Dean spoke, his voice was soft yet firm:

"This can't go on."

"Dean..." Cas coughed, his own voice rough with disuse. He tried pleading: "Listen, I..."

"No, Cas. You listen. I've been searching for ways to help you go through all of this because it's killing me to see you so broken. I've got an idea, so hear me alright?"

  


Castiel sighed of relief and sat on the cold tiles. Dean pressed the cloth on his forehead with little touches.

He was looking at Cas, waiting for his answer so he nodded, not trusting himself not to throw up again.

"The court hearing is next week, right? I was thinking, you could ask for days off, I mean, I know you've never taken any, so your boss will surely agree, right? And then, we drive in Baby, make it a road trip, take our sweet time. We can book hotel rooms now, or we can even wing it and find motels on the way. We can do whatever you feel like..."

"No." Dean's eyes opened wide. His shoulders sagged. Castiel grabbed his arms, ready to kiss him but he remembered in time that his breath was surely really bad.

"Dean, I want that. I meant, let's not do what _I_ want. Let it be about _us_. I need to feel close to you again. I hurt and I hurt you."

Dean didn't seem to mind about Cas' breath. After the kiss, he hugged him tight, whispering:

"It's okay, I get it. I'll be strong for the both of us, I swear. I love you so much."

  


That night, Cas allowed Dean to hold him in his arms, even though he still felt extremely vulnerable. He fought against his heart flowing out of him through his fingertips. He looked for his lost breathing and his sanity.

When his clock rang, he switched it off and stayed in the warm comforting heat.

He called his superior and explained his situation. apparently he did exemplary work so there was no problem.

Dean had gotten out of bed and came back with a tray. Castiel ate little crumbs of toast, really tasting the food for the first time in days.

"Thank you, Dean." He sounded solemn. He still felt very grave. Dean grinned and bent over to give him a peck but Castiel turned his head :"It's... I can't... Sorry."

There was a sigh, then the tray was lifted up. Castiel hated himself for his reaction. He recognized the feeling that inhabited him : disgust.

 

* * *

  


They were leaving Lawrence behind and at last, Castiel felt his throat relax. He turned from the car windows and looked at Dean. He was serene, focused on the driving and Castiel decided he could start trying to heal their relationship.

"Dean?"

"Yeah?"

"When we met, it was on a train."

Dean chuckled, blushing a little:

"I remember. Very well in fact."

"So do I, but I was wondering... I never asked you why you didn't take your car instead?"

"Oh. It was... it needed repairs."

"Why? What happened?"

"I got the phone call about Dad, you see? And it kinda fucked me up. I went to a bar and I drank myself stupid. Hit on some girls, too. Sorry."

Castiel smiled. He felt victorious to be able to do so.

"Don't be. We hadn't met yet."

"Anyway, I drove home. Well, I drove into a tree, really. Sam came and lectured me. We towed her so we didn't have to call the police. Sam made me swear never to do that again." He glanced at Cas with a pleading look : "I never drink and drive you know. Or just if it's a beer but that's it. I hated scraping Baby, so it was a good lesson, anyway."

"You were hurting."

Dean nodded. Cas looked ahead, musing.

"I understand. I'd like to stop hurting now. I was happy with you and suddenly I felt so sick of myself."

"You did? But you're the greatest."

"Thank you, Dean."

They had seven days in front of them. Cas hoped that by the end of the week, he would feel 'the greatest'. The nightmare had to end.

 


	18. Chapter 18

Dean asked Castiel if he wanted to visit landmarks, play tourist, but he shook his head.

He needed freedom, escape from the storm in his mind and body. The open road, empty and endless was soothing. Dean's right hand on his was a comfort he barely thought he deserved.

He wanted to travel, as a child. He asked his parents, time and again but they never heard him. There were no television set, no outings at the cinema, he could only read and dream.

And then...

  


It was so strange that such a big part of his youth felt so fragmented. His memories were like black holes, linked together, as if he had stopped living altogether, and yet, he had studied, and found a job, and met Hannah, so somehow, he had done things. He never did what he wanted, never felt like he could. Michael paid the rent and the bills and asked him to contribute as much as he could. He had sold their parents' house and told Cas he had used all the money to pay for his college tuition, but now he had to doubt everything his brother said.

  


"Turn left!"

Dean gave a start but obeyed. The Impala bumped a little on the dirt road and reached its end very soon. There was a river, green and clear, with big trees providing an everlasting shadow. It was simple and new.

Cas left the car and took his shoes and socks off. The water was very cold, a reminder that summer was ending, circling his ankles like a silver bracelet. Dean was watching from the bank, ignoring Cas when he asked him to join him, a little smile on his face. They sat on a big flat stone and listened to the near silence. The road was empty, no one was waiting for them (expect Gabriel who had asked for a text every night "just to know if you guys are all right"), time was all theirs to figure out.

He kissed Dean, then lay his forehead on his shoulder, listening to the faint heartbeats.

"Better?"

"A little. I need to ground myself. It's the thought of meeting Michael again that has me so wrecked, much more than Hannah herself. He made me believe I was small and useless."

"You're not."

The certainty in Dean's voice always got to him. He felt the need to correct him, fought it and stayed silent.

  


They were back on the road, passing a small town where the lights flickered to greet the dark, when Dean said:

"My father never said anything nice."

Cas squinted as he tried to read Dean's expression. He whispered:

"Did he forget you existed?"

"No... He asked me to do stuff, like take care of Sam or cook or clean, but... It wasn't asking actually, it was orders and he took me for granted, all the time."

"What about your mother?"

"She wasn't here. Our house burned down. I was four."

"Oh, Dean, I'm so sorry."

Dean took his eyes off the road for a second to look at him.

"Thank you darling. I'm used to the feeling. She gave great hugs and she would kiss my hair. It was nice."

Cas wanted to make the pain he heard in Dean's voice disappear so badly it hurt. This is what his boyfriend must have been through the past week. He chuckled:

"We really are a broken pair."

Dean caught his hand and pressed it firmly:

"I don't feel broken when I'm with you."

  


They rented a motel room, but before going to bed, Dean drove them to a field where they could stargaze. The stars were real and cold too, unaffected. Dean's warmth was against him in the cold night air, as well as under the covers later in the well-heated room. Cas still couldn't go past kissing but he felt normal again. At least as long as he didn't think about the trial.

 

* * *

 

The next day, they had breakfast at a diner. The food was okay, a far reach from what he could produce, but everything was well cooked. Dean devoured what was in his plate, finishing before Cas, and went to the bathroom. Castiel ate slowly, accepting the idea that he was recovering so he had less energy, when someone sat in front of him.

"Hello, there."

He frowned at the man, who laughed loudly.

"Hum, hello?"

"A little shy, are we? how about I take you to a better joint?" There was a wink. Castiel had never been hit on in his life, but presumed that he was. It didn't feel good. Especially when he felt a hand on his knee.

"No."

"Oh, come one, I'm sure, there's something we can do. You're very attractive, I wouldn't want you to waste your potential."

  


Castiel stood up, forcefully banging his hands on the Formica table:

"Will you leave me alone?" He was trying not to shout too much, but the commotion made every customer and waitresses turn their heads. "I am headed to an upsetting confrontation with my _wife_ , in order to divorce her. Plus I will see my older brother and the thought is making me very angry." He leant towards the man who had been struck silent and hissed: "You do not want to experience the depth of said anger. I assure you."

A hand landed on the guy's shoulder with a menacing "Scoot off!" thrown in. Dean watched the man's back and sighed as he sat:

"I wondered if I had to come rescue you but you don't seem to need it. I wonder why you're so afraid of Michael when _he_ should be afraid of you. I mean , right now, I'm glad to know you're in love with me, because, damn..." He raised his eyebrows playfully.

Cas looked at his shaking hands:

"Being that upset is taxing. I still wished it was over and done with."

"I know, honey..." Dean slapped a few bills on the table and helped him up. "But let's get back to our mini vacation. Yesterday was good and I'm sure we'll have fun today. Kay?"

Castiel followed, catching one of the waitresses' appraising look. Apparently, him being upset made him more attractive. It was a good thing he had found Dean or he may have lost himself in lust.

He was happy when they were on the road once again, in their little bubble of a car. He wondered briefly if he and Dean could make love in the back seat.

 


	19. Chapter 19

The wind was becoming stronger outside, almost bending the most slender trees horizontally. Castiel watched their tortured forms sway back and forth, leaves bristling in anger, and felt the same.

Dean was humming softly, in the background, a song about carrying on that was motivating but also upsetting somehow. Castiel shifted on his seat, looking for ways to chase his inner agitation. He tried singing too.

Dean almost stopped the car in surprise and turned to him with a flabbergasted look. Cas closed his eyes, mortified. He was incapable of carrying a tune and never considered listening to music as an interesting hobby.

 

He opened his eyes again when he heard the laugh. It was strong, full-bodied, so very Dean, it did make him feel a little bit better.

"Honey, I love you, I really do, but please, never sing again."

He laughed back, relieved to notice his depressed episodes were shorter and shorter.

"I don't plan to. I was looking for ways to change my mood."

"Oh, sorry, I was too focused on the driving, I zoned out."

"Don't be. It's not your job to entertain me every second."

"It kind of is... At least when you're upset because of ass*ts. I got you laughing, though so that's a win."

"It is, thank you. I wish we could stop for a walk like yesterday but I'm afraid there is too much wind."

 

Dean turned to the window and whistled:

"Yeah... We could stop at the next town if you want, maybe ask if they are museums or something around."

Cas was perplexed then decided to be humorous and answered with gravity:

"Because you're just dying to visit one."

"Wellllll,... maybe if it was about World War II or dinosaurs, I guess I could be into it."

"I doubt we could found those around here. Back home, there is one that..."

 

He must have stopped talking, he realized. Dean was looking at him expectantly, a hint of worry in his eyes. He coughed and finished :

"... has an exhibit of war ships remains and other sea-related objects that might interest you. I'll take you there."

"Cas..."

"I know, Dean. I try not to call it home in my mind but sometimes it spills out."

"It's okay. It is your hometown isn't it? I mean... You must have happy memories there too."

 

Castiel sighed. This was the problem:

"I think so. I seem to remember having some quiet fun times in high school, but it's very blurry. My mother committed suicide soon after so it colored much of the experience."

Dean looked solemnly at the road and nodded. Castiel decided it was enough serious talking for now and added in a suggestive tone:

"A few month ago, I did remember something a little less quiet. There was a boy who was "out", the only one at the school, and I approached him one day. We ended up in a cupboard and that was my first time."

 

He was successful in his attempt to change the mood. Dean did push the break in order to park on the tiny dusty space near the road and grabbed Cas' sweater. The force of the kiss was welcome, after all these days of tiptoeing. Castiel felt like a man instead of a fragile china doll.

 

The back of the car was indeed big enough, although a little exposed so Dean drove a little further, shirtless and panting, both of them fighting the need to jump each other until he had pull the handbrake with a little excessive energy. Cas melted in Dean's warmth and smell and softness until it was all he could think about. The wind was turning to a small storm outside as he rid his own tempest giving Dean all he could. They both came with wild heavy grunts.

 

* * *

 

Back on the road, Dean drove with one hand, the other lazily holding Cas'. The wind had calmed down, taking the grey clouds away, leaving a welcomed sunlight to warm them.

Castiel felt boneless, at peace. Sex had been the answer, at least for the moment. He dozed off, only woken up when Dean stopped for a late lunch at a sandwich shop.

He followed him in, stretching his cramped legs, looking around aimlessly as they waited for their turn.

"Oh."

Dean turned to him, frowning. He was getting really protective. Castiel would have to address that when they came back home (the real home, this time, the one where he was wanted, allowed to exist and be loved). He gestured to the calendar on the counter:

"Today's my birthday."

"What? Why didn't you tell me?"

"What for?" He looked at Dean, puzzled. While he was aware other children had celebrations for their birthdays, he didn't think that adults would be concerned about it. He tried explaining to Dean, who grew more and more agitated.

"You're telling me you've never had any birthday party? That's... Isn't it abuse? I mean, even my old man did something. I mean, he gave me that car when I turned sixteen. And when Sam was a kid, he had candies that day and I was given pie even... You mean nothing at all?"

"No. Not even a "happy birthday." My parents were quite the introverts."

He got a lopsided look for that.

"Okay, I'll have to improvise then."

"Don't feel obligated to anything, Dean. It's all right, I really don't expect anything."

They were interrupted by the clerk, bought their food and walked to the car in silence.

 

* * *

 

"How about that?"

"Hmm?" The day was ending, even though it was still early and Cas was daydreaming. Dean had the familiar intent look on his face.

"Tonight, you can ask me anything you want. Sex, cuddling, star watching, going bowling, whatever, we'll do it. You call all the shots. And also we find a bakery and we buy the best stuff they have."

Castiel smiled. That seemed all right.

 

Dean insisted the baker write "Happy Birthday Cas" on the rhubarb pie Cas had selected.

Then they went to bed and watched a mind numbing reality show Castiel had never heard about that and that, for some reason, made him laugh all evening.

He took Dean again, sprawled on the mattress, patient, waiting for him for instructions.

All in all, Castiel realized, he was very very lucky.

 


	20. Chapter 20

Cas was looking better.

Dean watched him sleep, legs and arms tangled up in the sheets, like he always did back home. Sometimes, it woke Dean up, because of the cold, but he never reclaimed the covers. Instead he would look at how peaceful he looked and prayed he would look like that awake too. He was Dean's world, to be protected, cherished and made happy.

  


The previous weeks had been hell. Cas was here but he felt so far, unreachable. Dean could witness his sadness but was powerless in fixing it.

It had hurt so much that he had almost ran away, like he used to do, to drown into alcohol and stranger's sex. What had stopped him was mysterious and so strong it had felt like a spring snapping him back to him.

As he had told Cas before, the both of them were maturing together, and he had apparently reached a point where he couldn't escape his life anymore. He had felt his strength focus on how to be there for his man.

  


And now, he realized it had been so right. Castiel was fully back, loving and delicate, grateful for everything Dean did. In return, he gave him these moments of pure joy, just through a look or a light touch. He had so much light in him.

  


They took their time in the morning, cuddling and kissing as if they were on a real vacation, with no destination to reach. Cas still looked tired and it worried Dean. He managed to convince him to use the big bathtub in the adjacent room and made a note they needed one back home. Cas melted in his arms, moaning under his shoulder massage, which made Dean very fluttered, but now was not the time. Sometimes, he focused so much on Cas, he forgot the rest of the world existed, even his little brother, something he had a hard time processing. He finished the massage on the motel bed and, when Castiel fell asleep on the spot, went to the front desk to rent the room for another day.

  


It was a good idea, because Castiel woke up three hours later and very grumpy. Dean tried to kiss it away, but Cas stood up with a firm expression:

"Dean, I love you, I do, but I need to go outside now. I do not wish to spend the whole day in this place."

"Sure, honey, what do you wanna do?"

They talked for a while, argued a little, which pleased Dean because it meant Cas was getting back to his normal self, and finally settled on a walk. So, they found a nice path, walking around big fields filled with blue flowers.

Cas was looking thoughtful, in his own serious way that made Dean weak at the knees, holding Dean's hand in a loose, absent-minded way. When they were almost finished, he turned to him and said:

"You know what's funny, Dean? This is one of the worst time of my life and it's also the best ever."

He paused and looked around. Dean waited, not sure of what he was supposed to say back.

"I don't know if I'll ever feel as alive and filled with hope again, as I do now. I hope things will go well in court, obviously, but I also hope we''ll always be this bonded. And I'm deathly afraid this was a joke the universe played on me and I will wake up one day and you will be gone..."

"I won't..."

"How can you be sure?" The string in Cas' voice was strangling Dean's heart. Their eyes met, their stare the only thing left in the silence. Then, very slowly, Dean pulled Cas to him, in the tightest hug he could manage.

  


They went bowling and in between fits of roaring laughter, Dean managed to film Cas with his phone and send the video to Gabe. Cas was swearing at the ball in a way he had never done in front of Dean and kept slipping just before he could play. In the end, he walked away, fuming and handed his shoes to the clerk with a dramatic sigh. Dean took him to a bar to console him and ended up drinking a little too much.

 

* * *

 

He opened heavy eyes to the harsh morning light and saw Cas getting ready, closing their suitcase.

"Hey, honey..."

"Oh, you're finally up. I've bought doughnuts at the diner, so we can eat on the road. I wish to change scenery."

Dean stroke his face, regretted it and asked:

"How did we get home yesterday?"

"I drove your car."

"Really? You managed the stick?"

  


Cas smiled, easing Dean's hangover noticeably.

"I'm used to driving old cars. I'm not sure you would have liked the one I had, but it was as ancient as your "baby".

Dean finally located the painkillers in his bag and gulped them down. "What happened to it?"

"My car? It's still at Hannah's."

"Is it? You only had the one?"

"Oh, no, Hannah rode a hatchback. It was always recent as she replaced it every two years. I never liked any of them. They were too clean."

The fog in Dean's brain got a little clearer. He took Cas' hand and whispered affectionately:

"And of course, you didn't think of taking it with you. You rode a freaking train."

"You have to understand, Dean. I was feeling worthless, undeserving of anything we had owned. I was ready for her to have everything, even though I'm not sure what she would have done with the thing. I wonder if she got rid of it."

It was difficult to hear the distress but Dean was trained in Cas. His mechanic instincts took the wheel.

"Even if she has, I'll find it. And if she hasn't, I don't care what the judge decides, you'd better end up with it!"

  


Castiel smiled softly, patting Dean's hand:

"You might regret this bout of self-righteousness. I love my car, but it's a bit... showy. I believe it is the kind that is nicknamed "pimpmobile", a far cry from your elegant one."

Of course, he had air quoted the word. Dean loved that man with his whole soul.

  


So, they drove again, this time talking way more. Cas even spotted a place to stop for lunch. Dean felt hopeful too, now. This was a hard time for their relationship but even in the midst of it, they found sweetness. He couldn't wait for the future.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to write from Dean's POV for this chapter. The writing style is a tad different and Cas seems different too but I guess that's because he's seen form the outside. Tell me what you thought, guys.


	21. Chapter 21

Castiel watched the lake come into view, stretching to the horizon, looking as endless as a sea.

  


His old town wasn't that far now. Dean had driven faster than they had planned.

So, they had agreed to keep traveling until the last day, so that they could still pretend this was a vacation. And to Cas, it felt like one, almost.

  


He took in the fresh, soft wind, the birds gliding lazily above him, the little purple flowers bent towards the waters on little rocky creeks. He exhaled, letting the stress leave him. He relaxed so much that he fell on the sand, eyes closed, lying on his trench coat as if it was a towel, his shoes' soles covered in sand. It was heavenly.

  


Dean had joined him it seemed. He felt a hand on his arm, lightly pressed, as if to say he was here if needed. Cas knew he was. Right now, he was just letting himself be.

  


When he finally sat up, he looked around in awe. He had forgotten this. All this beauty. It was there for him to replenish, to focus.

He took Dean's hand in his and gestured to the nature around them:

"This I needed. I wish I could take it back with me."

Dean nodded, thoughtful.

"Yeah... Why don't we make it further? There's a dock and I think you can rent a boat."

Cas smiled. He followed Dean at his own pace, enjoying the look of excitation on his boyfriend's face.

He realized Dean needed a vacation too, even though he didn't show it as much.

Cas had to give back so much.

But it was easy. Dean had simple tastes, which was why he was happy with Castiel. Because even though his self-confidence had been plundered repeatedly, Cas had to admit he was a quiet soul.

The fact that Dean was content with that meant the world to him.

  


They hauled the wooden bark to the shore by themselves. It was getting late. The sun was setting, igniting the blue clouds that lingered at the end of the sky.

Dean hopped in the boat and helped Cas join him with a tender hand.

They both looked ridiculous with their orange life jackets on but Cas had insisted. He trusted Dean with his life but the waters could be traitorous.

  


As he sat still, watching the clouds take possession of the whole heavens, painting it in strokes of purple and orange, his own thoughts from earlier came echoing in his mind.

He trusted Dean.

Entirely.

  


The feeling had been fleeting, going back and forth when he had thought Dean was cheating on him, million of years ago, or when he had witnessed Dean's anger.

But now, he realized, he knew Dean. Not perfectly, there were still secrets hidden in his boyfriend's head, as well as silly little things he hadn't noted yet, like the way Dean's eyes rolled from right to left when he was nervous. It was fascinating to watch someone so secret and proud open up to him and only him. And that was because Dean trusted Castiel too.

  


His heart almost exploded. Here, with no ceremony, no signatures or approvals, here he felt united to Dean. The strength it gave him was overwhelming and he exhaled heavily.

"Gorgeous, isn't it?"

He turned his head a fraction and answered with a smile:

"Yes, Dean."

 

* * *

 

That night, he kissed Dean's freckles with an enthusiasm he didn't recognize. Dean was laughing, trying to wriggle himself away:

"Stop, it tickles, you jerk! You haven't shaved this morning, haven't you?"

The fond look he casted Cas didn't convince him and he continued, slowly replacing his lips with his tongue until Dean moaned in delight.

"Don't move..."

He traveled down Dean's stomach, suckling and teasing. Dean kept as still as he could, showing Cas how right he had been at the lake. At least until Cas took him in his mouth. His head was almost dislodged from his neck as Dean's leg sprung out, in a dangerous reflex.

"Oh, fuck, are you okay, honey? Caaas?"

Castiel was laughing too hard to answer right away. He caught Dean's hand and pressed it softly.

  


The next day, they drove in circles around the town they were staying at when a sight made Dean hit the brake.

"What's going on, Dean? Did an animal cross the road?"

"What? No... It's just... I don't..."

A few feet away was the remain of a brick wall, shrouded by wild vegetation. Castiel was puzzled.

"I don't see anything, Dean."

"It's that car..."

  


Oh.

Underneath various planks that looked like they had belonged on the roof or the windows, he saw a beat-up rusting car. He looked back at Dean, ready to joke, but stopped when he saw his eyes.

Instead he reached his hand. Dean followed him out.

  


"It looks very old. Not as old as the Impala though. Do you think it was a garage?"

There was a red toolbox under the rumbles. Dean nodded distractedly:

"I don't like ruins."

He was shivering. Cas searched his memory feverishly, looking for a clue...

"Dean?"

"What?" His voice sounded broken.

"How did your mother die again?"

Dean gulped. Castiel knew the answer now, but he let Dean manage it.

"House fire. I don't think about it but now ruins scare me. It's like I'm four again."

  


Cas hugged him as tight as he could. Dean thanked him but he wasn't really back yet.

"Why don't you call your brother?

"No. He's working."

"I think he'll answer."

But Dean was pouting, shaking his head with tears in his eyes.

"Dean" Castiel said, as patiently as he could "If you were four at the time, it means Sam was just a baby. And you've taken care of him since then. I think he'll always be willing to repay your kindness. You are important too. Especially to me."

  


It took a long time, but he finally allowed Cas to call and explain. Sam's tone was incisive:

"Of course, he wouldn't ask. Stubborn jerk! Let me speak to him."

Dean was busy patting the dismantled car and fought Cas' hand for a second. They both heard Sam saying softly:

"Dean..."

  


He went back to the car, waiting for the conversation to be over, feeling lonely all of a sudden. He didn't like it when Dean broke down and this was over something so innocuous. He smirked. As if he could talk.

  


They drove again in silence. The day was ruined, like the car had been. When they walked to the motel, Cas whispered:

"When I become rich as Croesus, I'd like us to travel to Rome. They have ruins there, real, big, ancient ones, not like this mediocre shack. If you got to be upset, at least let it be by something with class."

  


It was a shot in the dark. He crossed his fingers but Dean didn't get angry. He took Cas' fingers to his lips, then said:

"When we become rich, Cas, I'll go wherever you want me to."

Castiel's chest ached. But it was a good pain.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wanted to write something fluffy for Christmas but the story didn't want me to. Hope you like anyway! Comments would make a great present, just saying ;)


	22. Chapter 22

The next morning, Dean opened his eyes and smiled sleepily at Castiel:

"Hey..."

"Hi..."

Dean held a hand and caressed his cheek. Then, he put his head on the pillow:

"You know what we should do today?"

"No?"

"We should go shopping."

  
  


Castiel frowned. This didn't sound like Dean.

"I have to shop to find clothes like everyone, honey. I just don't do it often. Mostly in thrift shop. That's all Sam and I could afford for a long time."

"Oh. I never went to one. I wouldn't mind but they don't carry suits."

Dean rolled on his back and added:

"Anyway, I was thinking about finding something for you."

"Oh, it's all right, Dean. The suit I have now will be acceptable for the trial. Sam said it was good it didn't look too new. Show that I was struggling financially."

"Which you're not. I mean, now that we live together... Of course you need your fair share and enough money to quit your boring job and start your catering business and..."

  
  


He half-listened to Dean's rambling, just letting himself soak in the blessed feelings of warm sheets and strong arms around his waist. Dean was very physical in his affection, he had learned. Something new to Cas and quite welcomed. He had a lifetime of cuddling to catch up to.

  
  


"... I wasn't thinking of a suit, though?"

That got his attention.

"What else could I wear for a trial?"

"It's not about the trial, see? I was thinking we could find you a nice pair of jeans."

"Jeans?"

"Yes, you know, casual wear. You've never worn any?"

He was taken aback. Dean opened big pleading eyes:

"For me?"

Cas laughed. He had been ready to say yes to anything. Since the start of the trip, despite his protestations, his desires had always come first. Dean's turn was overdue.

  
  


He almost changed his mind in the shop. Somehow, in his mind, there was only one type of jeans, with different sizes and colorings. But it looked like he was going to have to try a lot on before deciding.

"Which one do you want me to wear?"

"No no no... I'm not telling you, honey. Find what makes you feel comfortable first."

But they weren't. The first one constricted his nether region so much, he threw it away immediately.

Unfortunately, the next ones were no better.

"Dean, I don't think I'm cut out for jeans."

Dean looked disappointed but relented.

"At least try these last ones and then, we'll leave."

  
  


The pants were the loosest he had tried on. He sighed of relief.

"They are okay, but look, they're falling down my hips. And they're frayed at the bottom."

Dean looked distracted. He gulped and whispered:

"Yes, that's not a problem."

"What do you mean?"

"Hum... You can wear a long T-shirt. And I kind of like it. A lot."

Cas shrugged, happy to be finally freed from the shopping experience.

  
  


They found some dark shirts and Castiel had to admit it felt different being so casual. It was liberating.

  
  


After that, Dean insisted they went back to the motel and showed Cas how practical the jeans were in terms of taking them off quickly. Cas missed the feeling of raw fabric for a second, but it was soon replaced with intense pleasure.

  
  


Then, they went to a bakery, where he insisted he buy Dean a pecan pie.

"All right, but we share it."

"No, thank you. I'd rather have an almond croissant."

Dean didn't insist much.

 

* * *

 

They walked in the tiny town center when Castiel spotted a second-hand bookstore. It looked old and well-cared for.

"Would you mind if we went in, Dean? I don't want you to get bored, but..."

"Hey, I read!"

Guiltily, Castiel searched his memory in vain.

"Sorry, Dean, since they're no books at home and I'm the only one going to the library, I assumed... I don't doubt your knowledge, I assure you."

Dean smiled and shook his head:

"I've certainly not read enough to talk like you do. But, yeah, when I was leaving with Sam, I read quite a few things. Used books can be cheap or there's the library. We couldn't afford most outings so that was my way of dreaming, I guess."

  
  


Castiel couldn't believe it. He and Dean had both gone through loneliness and suffering, but here was a _positive_ experience they shared.

"Who is your favorite author?"

"Well, it's hard to say. I liked Vonnegut a lot. And I read many detective books or thrillers that were fine... I don't know, I guess I could look for something I like in here..."

He paused and looked thoughtful:

"You know, what, we should have library shelves at home. I could build something. Why don't we go in and look for our first books?"

"I would like that very much."

  
  


The bookstore wasn't as dark inside as it had seemed but the shelves were so high he couldn't see the walls. He looked at Dean caressing spines, reading summaries, taking his time. He would do the same later, but for now, he realized something.

  
  


Books were great, they had helped him survive and helped him open his mind to new ideas, that was true.

But they were not the only way to deal with life's disappointments. Now, he had Dean, who only needed a look or a word to make Castiel's word right again.

And when that wasn't enough, Dean was still there, strong and caring.

So, Castiel did look at the books and he chose a few. He showed them to Dean and they read the first pages together and slowly, they learned new things about each other.

  
  


Castiel started being able to feel what the future after the trial could hold and it was amazing.

 

 


	23. Chapter 23

On the last morning, Castiel and Dean stayed in bed as late as they could.

  
  


Their bubble was warm and soft and stopped at the edge of the bed.

On the floor, were their clothes, and their wallets, and the Impala's keys, all of it necessary to go pick up Sam at the airport. Castiel didn't want to do that. He wanted to drive back to their place, forget about his past relations and focus on what he had now, instead. He could hardly recall his past anger and wondered how he had agreed to all of this.

  
  


He brushed Dean's arm, feeling the bumps and hollows, enjoying the slight shivers going through them that only he could create. Dean was quiet but grinning lazily, eyes unfocused. It was one of the few times when Castiel could really feel any part of his own body, realize he was more than inhabiting it. Each muscle, each nerve was _him_. His senses were the ones enjoying Dean's sight and smell and they vibrated with content. His skin was his envelope, separating him from the world and its pain. And yet when it met Dean's, it heated up and stopped being a frontier.

He felt whole and strong.

So maybe, he would still go to the courthouse.  
  


 

* * *

 

 

Sam was easy to spot in the crowd, yet Dean had made a big banner that read 'Samantha'. Sam barely glanced at it, then turned to Cas, smiling and ready to support him. It was so strange being so important to two people. And there was about to be one more, the other lawyer that Sam had persuaded to help. He was one of his Law teachers and happened to live now in Castiel's old State. Sam was driveling on and on about how useful it would be for the case in a way that made Dean smile affectionately and Castiel feel stressed. While he wasn't broken like he had been the previous week, the comfortable tempo he and Dean had followed was now over.

  
  


He thought about the honeymoon he and Hannah never had. It should have been like this. He could now see his past relationship with frightening clarity and wondered how on Earth he had felt he was happy. He had no idea he had needed all of this, as if even his desires had been buried along with his mother...

It was probably the case, now that he thought about it. It had been so hard to think he mattered so little to her and that he had been so helpless in rescuing her from her sadness. So he had spent a decade fulfilling another woman's life, as best as he could at the time, and that had meant ignoring the signals from his own brain.

  
  


They all met in a nigh time bar, where you could get an overpriced plate of something with no taste while listening to jazz music.

Dean chewed pensively, then tapped Cas' arm:

"You're seriously the best cook ever. Don't you forget that."

"You're saying that because you benefit from my cooking."

"Absolutely."

  
  


Sam's teacher was staring at them. He looked a little like Michael, which wasn't helping. After talking with Sam for a long while, he drummed his fingers on the table and stated:

"You two look really... committed to each other."

Dean blushed and raised his eyebrow at his brother:

"Humm.... Thanks?"

"Actually, this isn't a compliment. It's more of a problem in this situation. Castiel looks too happy, too relaxed. We need the jury to commiserate with him against his cheating wife, not wonder why he bothered to come."

Castiel nodded uncertain. They had talked about his righteous anger a lot. How it was necessary, giving him back his dignity. But he didn't see how he could stop being happy so abruptly.

The lawyer went on:

"Now, I don't want to order you around, but I strongly suggest you guys don't sleep in the same place tonight, or see each other before the end of the trial."

"WHAT?" Dean was crumpling his lilac paper napkin in a tight fist. Cas put his hand on his shoulder and answered quickly:

"Dean, let's discuss about this. It may be a good idea..."

  
  


Dean's gaze was murderous. Castiel was glad their relationship was strong and old enough that it wouldn't make him too worried. He glanced at Sam who added:

"Dean, remember how angry you were when Cas was defending Hannah. You really want her to win?"

"I don't see how making Cas lonely is going to achieve that." He looked down: "Sorry, honey, but I love you more than I hate that... woman. I don't want you to suffer more."

"I know and I appreciate that, I really do. But I also need to fight my inner demon. Get closure. If you sit in the audience and I can see you when I feel bad, then I'm sure it will be enough."

  
  


Sam looked relieved but his colleague was impatient:

"Thank you for listening to reason. And anyway, we have to rehearse our questions tonight. Frankly we should have done this days ago. This romantic road trip was really unnecessary."

Dean stared at him. This time, Cas felt his gut turn cold. He had seen Dean get irritated and passionate but never as icily mad:

"Oh, really? I suppose I should have let Castiel stay broken and miserable. Because it's so _convenient_... You weren't there. The last person I saw looking like he did was my father. I'm not sorry for doing as best as I could to pick up the pieces."

"Oh, come on!"

This time, it was Castiel who spoke. He was getting fed up with the conversation:

"Mr Attorney, I'll side with Dean on that one. This trial is important because it will allow me to have a future, in which I intend to _live_ and feel happy. I don't see the point otherwise. I'll work with you as you seem to be very professional and talented in manipulation. You remind me of both my brother and my wife in that way."

  
  


Sam's face was blanch but his teacher smirked.

"Now, this combative attitude I like better. Let's work on that. Which hotel are you staying at?"

"I'll drive you there. Apparently I'm not wanted, so I'll go to a motel. I'll try to find a room that's not too moldy to mop in."

This remark garnered Dean three eye rolls. Castiel kissed him and got up:

"Let's get this over with."

 

* * *

 

The evening was never ending. Castiel was longing for his bed, even if Dean wasn't going to be in it. He had managed to persuade him to go to a B&B just outside of town "so I can join you there whenever I can." Dean had pouted until Sam had been out of sight, then completely changed, looking like a supportive boyfriend again as he hugged him and whispered:

"I love you. Just remember that."

Castiel was focusing on those words, as Sam polished his questions. Then, finally, he was released. But he was so tensed, he decided to go to the hotel bar and ask for herbal tea. He also took his phone out and sent one forbidden text to Dean. He felt like a teenager and gave a sad grin at the mirror.

  
  


He was walking to the elevator when he heard the voice just behind him.

"Here you are. We have to talk."

  
  


It was Hannah.

 


	24. Chapter 24

Castiel took a few extra steps forward.

He didn't want to face Hannah.

Something in him hoped, childishly, that if he went on, she would leave, or just never had been there.

But he couldn't go on forever. He stopped, standing still.

  


“Castiel...”

  


Her tone was forceful, but still kind. Or maybe, this was condescension and he could never tell the difference.

He felt his body and brain fall into old habits, ready to acquiesce, to appease, so he tried grinding his teeth, but it wasn't enough. How foolish was he to think he could face her the next day, if even her voice was defeating him?

He closed his eyes and thought about Dean, who wasn't there when he needed him. But Dean had resisted leaving, he had defended Castiel against everything and everyone because, to him, Castiel mattered.

  


So, Cas turned around, slowly, careful not to lose the connection he had with Dean.

Something struck him at once.

  


Hannah looked tired. She had bags under her eyes, and a metallic glint that he had never noticed. She was also dressed in a very attractive way, much more than she had been when living with him. Her hair was styled, her clothes followed her curves and she was wearing very subtle make-up.

She looked like a successful business woman and the change was jarring. Even though he felt drawn to her, once again out of old habit, Castiel realized how much he hadn't taken his attraction to her in account when he had asked her out. Or rather when Michael had strongly hinted that he did and Castiel had obeyed his brother, because surely he would know best.

  


“Hello, Hannah.”

“Hello, Castiel. I'm glad to see you look well. It seems you don't miss me much after all.”

“I beg your pardon?”

Had she heard about Dean? He felt like a cheater suddenly, to her as well as to Dean. He knew it wasn't really the case but it was still unnerving.

“Well, given your stubborn refusal to do the right thing and be a real gentleman, I've been forced to hire someone to gather information. Another man? That hurts.”

And it looked like it did. Her eyes weren't steely anymore, rather full of tears. Castiel opened his mouth to apologize but he managed to shut it down. He took a deep breath and whispered weakly:

“My personal life is not of your business anymore, Hannah.”

“Apparently no,” she pushed a lock of perfectly sprayed hair aside with a soft sigh, “Years of being a good wife for you and you forget me that quickly? I didn't know I was that replaceable.”

  


She was good. Castiel actually started to feel bad for her. He tried summoning Dean's presence but he had vanished from his brain. He tried to fight on anyway, even though it felt wrong:

“You're the one who left. Of course, I've missed you but it's your own doing that our relationship was ended.”

  


Hannah shook her head like one would at a child.

“I had to leave, Castiel. It was better for the two of us. I tried, so hard to respect you and your failings... I was throwing my youth away. Don't you think I deserve to be happy? Would you deny me that?”

  


In the slump that was his brain, Castiel couldn't pull a decent thought anymore. The answer was burst out on instinct:

“What about me?”

“You wanted me to stay for your own selfish pleasure? When I know now, that you were just pretending to be sad after the break-up?”

“I wasn't!”

“Then,” Hannah took a step forward. She looked so dangerous Castiel's gut were melting down, “you should have mourn me. If I was that important, you should still love me. It's not even been a year. Do you realize how that wounds me?”

  


It was fascinating how self-centered she acted. Castiel felt trapped and diminished. He let his arms fall at his side, readying himself for whatever she still wanted to throw at him. She had a point after all. They weren't happy together. It had been for the best.

Strangely it was Sam's face that came out of his memory, all stern and detached. Castiel felt the anger rip his lungs and restart his thought-process:

“You left, Hannah, so no I shouldn't still love you as you never loved me...”

“Castiel... Don't be like that... Of course I...”

“No.”

They both gave a start. His voice had never sounded like that. It was frightening in its intensity but Castiel recovered quickly enough to take advantage of Hannah being stunned to add:

“You stole from me, Hannah, from the beginning. I have proof. You always intended to leave. Was Michael on it then too? Or did you just choose him as your next victim?”

  


Hannah's eyes were as dark as the night. She roared:

“I deserve it, every cent, for looking after you foolish self! You can't be trusted with anything. I made sure you wouldn't lead me into debts! You never cared about our finances anyway.”

“That's because I trusted you, Hannah! I thought you were a decent human being but I was mistaken. It took compassionate, loving people to show me what dignity feels like and I'm not going back.”

  


She finally took a step back and sighed again, this time like a hurricane leaving the town:

“Don't fool yourself, Castiel, you'll lose this trial. I'm a woman and we have to fight against the patriarchy any way we can. The judge will be swayed by my gentle nature...”

“You mean your acting? Maybe, but I'm still willing to try. Your arguments are faulty, built on sands. I've met with militant feminists in college and they would have been offended by what you just said.”

  


He gathered his strength and turned to the elevator:

“Give my greetings to my beloved brother, Hannah. I thought he was the one I hated the most but it turns out you two deserve my ire equally. You are indeed made for each other. At least while you're still beautiful. I'm not sure what will happen next.”

  


It was beneath him to say that, but it felt good. He kept his eyes on the elevator wall until the door shut behind him.

  


He sat on his bed, shaken, craving another herbal tea but not ready to leave the room any time soon. He took his phone out and read Dean's last text:

“The pie in this place is to die for. You're missing out! And they have memory foam mattresses. God I miss you”

 

Castiel felt immensely better.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have met people who thought like Hannah. It is quite frightening. I wish I can be as strong as Cas is here, one day ;)


	25. Chapter 25

As he left his hotel room the next morning, Castiel pondered if he should tell Sam about his encounter with Hannah.

Part of him wanted to put this behind him, count it as a victory and move on. But maybe it would change what they had prepared, in a way he wouldn't necessarily know. He wasn't a lawyer after all, plus Sam was there to help him, not scold him.

They sat at a tiny table, surrounded by the soft noises of cutlery and the morning conversations of strangers. It was very calming, even though Cas felt almost serene already. He wondered where the fear and stress had gone.

  
  


Sam took the news with his usual efficiency. He called his teacher, leaving the table for the lobby and they talked for a while. Cas passed him to go back to his room and Sam gave him a reassuring smile. Things still looked fine.

  
  


He took a long shower, focusing on the warm sensation, wishing it would last forever. It was only the thought of seeing Dean again at the courthouse that had him step out the water. He looked around the comfortable room, impersonal and cold and realized he missed their home too. He fought with his tie until it looked passable, then took a big breath and stepped outside again.

  
  


In the cab, talking with Sam who looked quite tense, he realized he himself wasn't really calm. He was more like a spring, tightly strung, gathering energy and anger, as well as sadness, but keeping them under control. He met his reflexion in the car window, eyes almost black, glaring at the world. He didn't like himself that way, but it seemed he had to embrace it, accept that he could be dark at times. One of his main flaws had been that he was too nice. He remembered the times he had stood up to Dean and how it had strengthened their relationship. He wasn't fighting for himself only after all. It was also for Dean, for their future together.

Sam's voice took him out of his reflexions. Once again rehearsing, polishing his answers. It was getting irritating so he changed one of his answers:

"Hum, Cas, you should stick with the script."

"I feel this answer is too tame. I feel angry, it should show in my answer, shouldn't it? A divorce is supposed to be emotional."

"Maybe. I'll ask my teacher."

"With all due respect, Sam, I feel you are leaning on him a little too much. You have proved yourself very professional until now. I trust you more than him, even though it's good that we have back up."

Sam smirked, shaking his head:

"You're starting to sound like Dean. He keeps telling me he's proud of me but it's subjective. He's my brother, not a peer."

"While this is very true, I myself am slowly becoming more assertive and the benefits are endless. I strongly suggest it."

"True, but isn't it more important that we win this case for you? The man is my mentor. I have much to learn from him."

Cas sighed:

"I've never liked the notion of mentor. Michael was mine and look how it's turned out. It's really difficult for me to criticize him or see him as an equal."

  
  


The cab stopped. Sam opened the door for him and replied quickly:

"I suggest you manage to make that change in the next hour. Michael is the first one to be called as a witness."

Castiel didn't answer. He was busy scanning the courthouse corridors for Dean. His newfound confidence was leaving him fast when he didn't spot him.

Sam's teacher was there, though, and striding toward them

"You two are late. That's a first strike, Sam," he said, strengthening Cas' dislike of him.

Sam stayed silent, then shrugged:

"Cas and I went over his testimonial in the cab. We're all set, so now I only have to worry about the defense's line of questioning, which is where I will need your expertise," He raised an eyebrow, "and I'd rather you don't scold me. I'm not sure how this will help with anything."

  
  


Castiel beamed as he watched the older lawyer's face go blank. The man composed himself rapidly and walked them briskly to the courtroom. Dean wasn't there either. It looked like he would have to rely solely on the youngest Winchester.

  
  


There were strangers staring at him in the audience. And other grave-looking strangers also staring from the jury stand.

He wasn't composed anymore, rather hurting from the inside out and it showed.

He could hear the metal in his voice as he answered the programmed questions and even got tears in his eyes at some point. Sam wasn't gently anymore, his voice dry and factual. Cas expected it but he still felt all alone, trying very hard not to look in his wife's direction.

  
  


Hannah's lawyer was a small bearded man with balding hair and enormous charisma. He was introduced as Mr Crowley and addressed Castiel in a voice that was pure charm and warmth. He found himself tensing up, careful not to mellow. It was easier than he would have feared. Hannah had used this approach too often.

"So, Mr Novak, you agree that you didn't fight to keep your wife. You upped and left, not discussing anything, not even meeting with her. That's a little cold, don't you think?"

Castiel frowned. Was the man going that route, really? He sighed and answered as simply as he could:

"My wife is the one who left the marital home to be with her lover, who happens to be my older sibling and my former guardian. I did phone her many times before and after I learned about the affair and she never picked up. I was feeling very hurt and needed support so I called my other brother and went to his home. I would have welcome a talk with my... Hannah... but Michael insisted she shouldn't be bothered or upset. He seemed to think that, as she is a woman, her every feelings trump mine, even if she's the one who wounded me."

He had spoken quickly to prevent the lawyer from asking another question. One glance at the jury showed him that they were looking concerned and supportive. One point for him.

"Wounded is a big word, I would say. I mean, it is well known that men are tougher, so saying you needed support feels a little exaggerated. Maybe you wanted to leave the marriage too, secretly, and moved so that nobody would know..."

  
  


Cas looked up. The lawyer had the smile of a shark. At least if shark could smile, which was something he wasn't sure about. Sam was fidgeting on his chair, but his teacher was shaking his head. Castiel was alone in this. But maybe he could do it:

"My wife was my whole world. I tend to lead a quiet life and had always been faithful until that point. It seems you're transferring your own reactions and feelings unto me, something that I feel is not very professional."

Crowley had opened his mouth after the fist sentences, but shut it and glared at him. Castiel would have glared back but there was a commotion in the back. The door had open to let someone in. Heart full of hope, he craned his neck to see past Sam's tall figure and fought the smile creeping on his face.

Hair untamed and tie undone, Dean was pushing past the people in the first row. He locked eyes with Castiel and mouthed something that looked like "Sorry", then mimed sleeping with his arms bend.

Castiel relaxed and looked back at the lawyer, who was now looking in Dean's direction. This was going to be a problem and sooner that Cas would have expected, but somehow Dean's presence made him feel prepared for everything he would be accused of.

 


	26. Chapter 26

Hannah's attorney wasn't letting him step down. He had a feeling Mr Crowley was trying every approach possible until he would find one that worked. He was also very good with his wording. Sam couldn't object even once.

 

“So, your problem is that you do not want your wife to have her share of the money.”

“You must really have read the wrong files when preparing this case, Mr Crowley.”

Each time he used a personal attack against the lawyer, he got a look of contained fury. He also got a few smirks from the judge.

Castiel was discovering how much a strategist he could be. It was very empowering.

“If you had done your work properly, you would know that Hannah was the one who put aside large sums of money unbeknown to me, then asked to keep everything. She even emptied a personal account I didn't know about and was in my name only.”

 

“This is what I'm not ready to swallow. You mean to say you never checked your finances. That's very irresponsible of you.”

“You mean trustful? Isn't trust the foundation of a good marriage? If my wife had told me she had put some money aside and we were still together, I would have congratulated her on being so prudent. But she never divulged it and insisted she deserved the whole.”

“I fail to understand why you have stated you were suing both your wife and your brother in this case. What is the point of involving him? Petty revenge?”

 

Cas took a deep breath. Just the mention of Michael, who wasn't in the room yet, was still upsetting. He indulged himself with one quick look into Dean's eyes, although he didn't dare smile. It was very helpful:

“You see, Mr, Crowley, something very strange happened at the very start of my marriage, well, just before it. I have recently learned that members of my families, some I don't even know the existence of, were asked to participate in gifting us a honeymoon trip. It appears to be the work of my brother.”

“Are you seriously telling us you are mad at him for surprising you?” There was a chuckle from the jury stand. It was time to act fast.

“There was no surprise, no honeymoon of any kind. I wasn't aware of any gift, financial or otherwise, except for a lamp from Michael himself. This is what is puzzling me the most. It seems my brother was already helping his sister-in-law in deceiving me. If he can offer an explanation, or even excuses here, I am quite interested to hear it.”

He heard a sharp breath and recognized it immediately. Hannah was livid. Her countenance was transparent, spelling ' _How dare you expect an apology! You are nothing_.' to Castiel but also everyone around. Castiel couldn't help adding:

“In fact, I find it quite hypocritical how many times they have made me feel small and insignificant about my profession and how little money I make, and yet they are not satisfied with their own bigger income and are trying to scam me.”

 

Mr Crowley chose that exact moment to change the subject:

“You're calling them hypocrites? How about that young man, here,” he pointed at Dean, who glared at his hand, “would you deny he is your lover? One you took while still married? You're saying your wife shouldn't have cheated but you did too. Should only men be allowed to fool around? Or do you consider the fact that homosexual relationship aren't the same because you weren't with another woman?”

Castiel's newfound overconfidence was drenched in cold sweat. He hadn't expected such a strong and pointed attack. One woman in the jury was making a face, while a grey-haired man frowned. He realized he had underestimated the lawyer.

 

So, he fought with his own ego and chose to be more genuine. He was a victim, one who deserved compassion, not scorn. He wondered if there was someone gay in the jury. It would certainly help.

 

“Mr Crowley, I wouldn't have made this trial public if it was only about cheating. The fact is, the man my wife chose to leave me for, was and is a father figure for me. I looked up to him, I listened to his advices. Can't you understand how I feel?”

He was looking at the jury this time, one hand on his heart. It was over the top for someone as discreet as he was, but now was not the time for introversion.

“The two people I cared the most in the world conspired against me. And not only did they decide to break the life I had built, but they intend for me to do it with nothing. My grandparents left me some money. They would have wanted me to use it to be successful, not as a parting gift to a cheating partner. I wish to be given back exactly what belongs to me, as well as the two people who manipulated me to be sanctioned.”

 

That's when he was finally left alone. He was relieved but still cautious. He went to sit next to Sam and heard a whisper, just behind

“Love you, honey.”

The two lawyers at his side tutted and frowned but Cas payed them no mind. He was still shaking, feeling exposed and vulnerable.

 

It was even worse when Michael appeared. Castiel was tensed all the way through the testimonies and questions from both sides. His brother never made a mistake. When it came to the honeymoon scam, though, he couldn't make up a believable lie. Castiel realized that neither he nor Hannah even envisioned the idea that Cas would sue them. All he could do was redirect the questions and use big words and charming smiles. The jury was unreadable.

 

* * *

 

 

When the judge called the end of that day's session, Castiel was a mess. He exited the room, followed closely by Sam's teacher who begun talking as soon as they were out.

“You did well, Castiel. Your part is over, now, unless you want to listen to Mr Winchester and I preparing for tomorrow. Mr Crowley is better than I would have thought, we'll have to be very cautious.”

 

But Castiel was done with over caution. He was barely standing, feeling hungry and quite sad. He turned to Sam and said:

“I will not join you tonight. I have changed my mind. Now is a good time for me to go back to Dean.” He heard a happy sigh just behind his shoulder but kept his gaze on Sam “I will only be at your table now. No need for me to be more miserable.”

 

He was waiting for the other lawyer to argue but found him waiting for Sam's reply. Dean's brother looked uncertain and closed his eyes. When he opened them again, he said, with a strong but slightly unsteady voice:

“If you feel that way, Cas, it's your decision. You've always acted with thoughtfulness up until now. If you say you need this, I believe you.”

There was just a tiny glance in his teacher's direction. Castiel waited but that seemed to be it.

Dean walked by his side, with a serious air until they reached the Impala. He opened the door and said:

“Sam, you don't mind taking a cab, do you? The Bed and Breakfast is in the opposite direction you see, and I'm really tired.”

 

He even faked a yawn. Sam shook his head:

“Of course not, you jerk. May I remind your selfish ass that I'm volunteering here, though?”

Castiel felt bad:

“Dean, I don't think it's that big a detour, maybe we could...”

Sam pinched his lips and walked away:

“Nah, it's okay Cas, it wasn't directed at you. Dean is a dick, is all.”

“And don't you forget it!” Dean closed the door just in time for Castiel to hear:

“If we win, I do intend to be paid, Sam.”

“Of course, sir...”

 

… then the door was shut and the bubble was created again. Dean was looking at him in awe:

“God you were good today! I was so proud of you.” he said before kissing him.

Castiel sank in his lover's lips like a man in perdition.

“This lawyer is scary and you just stood your ground and...”

“Shhh, Dean, let's forget about the trial and focus on us being reunited, please?”

“Yeah, yeah, sure...”

Dean started the car with his free hand and whispered:

“Have I mentioned how you being angry turns me on, though?”

“Dean...”

But Castiel was not angry anymore, nor sad. He just fell tired.

 

In fact, he fell asleep before they reached the B&B.

 


	27. Chapter 27

Hannah was waiting in front of the Bed and Breakfast.

She was wearing a summer dress, like the one he had bought her for her birthday a long time ago. He had liked the pattern, thought they should have used it on man's shirts too.

Her hair was loose, spiky even, as if she had gotten so worked up she had destroyed her hairdo without thinking. She was yelling but what came out of her mouth sounded like seagull cries.

He wanted to tell her to stop and go away but he couldn't really talk, his body felt like a molasse, slow to move and too heavy. He waited for Dean to open the door, but instead he saw Michael's face smirking at him;

"You think you've won, Castiel? I've just told the jury how stupid you are and now they are laughing at you."

Castiel felt the tears in his eyes and the need to scream. He jerked himself out of the car and fell next to some steps. Someone helped him up. It was Gabriel. He looked somewhat thinner, with shorter hair:

"I can't even look at him, Cassie... Let's go away, move to another country."

"No, I have to stay. Look at Hannah. She's just a seagull. I'll shoo her away."

He turned to point at Michael but he wasn't there anymore. In fact, he was all on his own. He began trembling, as he realised no one else wanted him. His shoulders were moving back and forth gently.

 

"Cas... honey, wake up..." Dean's hand was warm and soft. Cas blindly grabbed it, feeling the loneliness roll away. Leaving the hotel had really been the right decision. He blinked the nightmare away and wiped the water from his eyelids. He didn't want Dean to worry. What he needed was tenderness and a lot of it.

"On which floor are we staying?"

"The second. I'll show you the view tomorrow. There's a big ass tree in the back." Dean smiled gently at him and took his hand, "You need me to carry you up the stairs? Like a bride?"

"You're not supposed to carry adult women up stairs, Dean, just past the threshold. I did Hannah. Fortunately, she was quite frail. I don't think I'm that light."

"You underestimate me, honey. Just wait until we get..."

Cas tensed. Dean's voice fizzled out. This was not the right time to joke about getting married.

Castiel finally exited the car and walked calmly to the door. When Dean joined him, he was yawning again, barely managing to say:

"I'm afraid there won't be any sex tonight, Dean. I'm sorry if I got your hopes up."

Dean giggled. He took Castiel's hand and led him to their room:

"I won't tell you how crushed I am, then. Don't worry, what's important tonight is taking care about you. You call the shots. You want a foot massage?"

 

Cas let himself fall on the bed, not willing to change into night clothes, as sleep was claiming him once more. He hoped he wouldn't get another nightmare or he would really not get rested. He shook his head and felt fingers gently opening his shirt.

"Why don't you sleep in your boxers, then? That way, I'll feel your skin at least."

They fell asleep in each other's arms. Dean was humming something quite relaxing. After about an hour, Castiel opened his eyes in horror.

"I didn't program an alarm!"

Dean grumbled and groped around to catch his phone. Castiel copied him. Given that Dean had been really late for the first day, it was better to take every precaution.

 

The two alarms rang just a few minutes apart from each other. They were quickly shut down but Castiel was awoken anyway. He looked at Dean who was seated against one of the pillows with a book in his hands:

"Hey, honey! So, did you sleep well? Aren't those mattresses a dream?"

"Is this a hint that we should buy one?"

"Nah... It's just a very strong suggestion. You're gonna be loaded now and sleep is important, right?"

"The trial is not over, Dean. I might be even poorer at the end of it."

"No way. The judge cannot leave you with nothing. Wouldn't make sense."

He leant toward Cas and gave him a smelly kiss. They both grinned. Castiel was beating himself for having spent the previous night alone.

 

They were a little early at the court, which meant he saw Hannah walking in their direction. She must have spotted him, stopped in her tracks and turned back. He felt the extreme relief in his muscles, wondering why she hadn't tried fighting or at least try to intimidate him again. Maybe it was Dean's presence.

But when he said that aloud, Dean shrugged:

"I doubt that. You should have seen the way she was eyeballing me yesterday. I think it's you that she fears now."

And for the first time, Cas felt he could believe that. He was free. She was no one to him, just someone who made his brother act badly. Although, he was starting to realize how unkind and selfish Michael had always been.

 

The two lawyers were joining them, Sam talking to a blond woman in a blue suit. He hair was hidden in a tight bun and her face was unreadable. She immediately extended a hand:

"So, you're the youngest of my sister's sons? You do look like her, poor thing. She was never much of a looker. And a hypochondriac at that." She shook Cas' hand, sighed and shook her head: "I didn't like her husband much but I guess she couldn't do better. I don't have patience with weaklings."

Castiel was too busy trying to close his mouth to reply. She turned to Sam again and added:

"I'll go take my oath. You seem very competent. I may call you for a position in my business one day. Don't disappoint me."

She left quickly. Castiel looked at his lawyers, trying to digest what had just happened.

"So, Cas, this is your aunt, Naomi. I think we can all understand why you never heard about her. Anyway, she's here to testify. Michale asked her for the honeymoon gift too. I think she's more pissed about the money than about you."

They all laughed. Sam's teacher shook his head:

"Handsome woman, but my god, what a monster. Maybe your brother takes after her?"

Dean smiled:

"Look at that, you're human after all... Is it a good idea to have her here, though? I don't think the jury will like her."

It was Sam who answered:

"That's not the point. She's reliable and sounds devoid of any feelings. She demands respect. It will be helpful to have such an objective testimony. Plus, Gabe didn't want to come."

Castiel had a fleeting bout of nostalgia as he imagined his brother back home, without a worry in the world. He thought about his dream. Gabriel had always been cowardly behind his obnoxious attitude. It was a good thing he hadn't met Naomi. She would have despised him.

 

Before they entered the court room, Dean whispered:

"I love you Cas. You're so gonna win."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, sorry everyone for the delay, I've been sick a lot (winter stuff) and lots to do at work. Hope you all like this chapter. The trial will end in the next one.


	28. Chapter 28

While he was relieved he didn't have to face Mr Crowley again, Castiel still hated having to sit passively through the trial. It was all happening before him, and he couldn't do anything, him who had taken his life back and felt the power of being his own little person.

Dean was seated a few row backs, courtesy of his brother because "I know you'll want to speak to Cas, Dean. It's a really bad idea so you will listen to me for Cas' sake." but after a night spent in his arms, it was bearable.

His lawyers were working their magic, presenting the case in the best light. He glanced at the jury, hoping with all his heart they would be on his side. Somehow it had become like a test. They represented the rest of the world, the harshness of reality. Their reaction would show Castiel whether he was valid or not.

 

If he lost, it would be Michael's biggest victory and, despite the distance, a way for him to weigh upon Castiel's well-being for years to come.

 

* * *

 

The wait for the verdict was endless. Dean had Cas pressed against him, a few inches from public indecency, on the benches near the vending machines. Sam was pacing. His teacher had left, shaking hands and wishing them to win. Castiel remembered the conversation about him getting paid. He had always intended to gift Sam something big for his help, maybe insist on giving money if he were to win enough, but he hadn't counted on that man's presence and it was worrying him on top of the more important worry.

Dean put a hand on his knee and he realized he was trembling a little. He should have brought a book, something to escape in. He thought about going for a walk, maybe along the river with Dean, but what if the jury came back early? He resigned himself to his stressed uncomfortable state and passed the time staring into his boyfriend's eyes.

 

Time was slow, wavering, threatening to engulf him in its quicksands but it passed. Sam reacted first, noticing a signal aimed at lawyers, certainly, and ushered them in. In the few steps it took to reach his seat, Castiel embraced the worst outcome. He would lose, it was certain. He pictured the consequences, let his crushed feelings emerge. He used the time it took for the door to open, the people to sit, and the judge to ask them what they had decided, to deal with the disappointment and lack of hope. After all, he had started from nothing once and survived. He would continue to. Dean was still there, so was his job and his catering dreams would remain so. It was doable.

 

He sighed discreetly, feeling his shoulders expand and relax, then took notice of the man holding a paper, standing up in the jury box. This was it. He vaguely remembered him as the one who had frowned when Cas' relation to Dean had been exposed. Was this a bad sign?

 

" In the case of Mr Castiel Novak against Mrs Hannah Novak and Mr Michael Novak, we, the jury, have found the defendants guilty of deception and intent on stealing Mr Castiel's Novak personal fortune. We also declare that in regards to the divorce procedures Mrs Novak has induced, that she is to pay for alimonies, given her higher salary and the emotional distress she has imposed on her husband. She can either pay him a rent of one thousand dollars per month until his death, or give him three hundred thousand dollars now. Mr Michael Novak and her also owe him two hundred thousand dollars for the deception, in complement to him receiving the totality of his inheritance as well as half of what else his wife put on the saving account. He'll get back his belongings from their house, half the furniture and his car..."

 

There was the lonely sound of a chair scratching the wooden floor. Hannah stood up and walked outside, elegant and dignified. Michael followed her, his face a tensed mask. Castiel watched his old family leave, feeling his heart getting smaller. Even after winning it all, it was a defeat.

 

* * *

 

Dean waited calmly at the door, only taking his hand and pressing it gently. Castiel listened to the court door closing behind him, leaving the past behind. He felt naked and vulnerable. It only stroke him as they walked down the stairs. He turned abruptly to Sam, almost falling down in the process, and stuttered :

"After I pay your teacher, I'll give you something too... It's... it's important... this was all thanks to you... Dean will tell you..."

Sam put his hand on Cas' shoulder to shush him and replied:

"Sure, Castiel, if it's important to you, I accept. Just give me whatever you're comfortable with, though. I'd rather see you invest in a catering business and be successful. Or even treat Dean to a vacation, whatever you want."

"I can take Cas on vacations myself, thank you very much..."

Castiel cut him instantly, saying harshly:

"Now, Dean, quit with this macho nonsense! I'll take you on a vacation if I want to and you will like it!"

 

Dean laughed out loud and lead Castiel down the stairs to his car:

"Sure, honey, we'll see about that. How about we take care of things first. I believe you have a car to retrieve. And clothes and stuff?"

Castiel stopped in his track. He had his car back. How was he going to drive it back? Would that mean he would be on his own, instead of enjoying Dean's company?

"Hey, talk to me, what's going on?"

"I'm sorry, Dean, it's a lot to take in. I'm afraid I need to reflect and rest first, if that's all right with you."

Dean's grin faltered a bit but he recovered fast and gave Castiel a quick hug:

"Sure, honey. Let's do that. You know you can tell me what's bothering you too, right? I mean, I understand that you need to be on your own sometimes, but if you don't communicate I worry."

Castiel sat next to him and spoke with the most serious tone he could mutter:

"I promise you, Dean, I will do my best to keep the communication flow open. I feel very sad at the idea that you felt helpless and worried. I assure you that your sole presence was already extremely helpful and that the road trip we took was..."

He looked for the right word but was interrupted by a kiss. It seemed like a trick of the light, but he could have sworn Dean was about to cry.

"I love you Cas. You deserved every cent you got today."

Cas took his hand and responded:

" _We_ deserve it, Dean. From this moment on, my wealth is also yours."

 


	29. Dean's POV

Dean remembered the day he and Cas had moved in together. His boyfriend had looked a little like today, melancholic and frowny. Dean had kissed him, a whole lot and from then on, he had seemed happy to be there.

 

He looked at Castiel's old home with envy.

 

It was a small brick house, nestled near a forest on the edge of the town. There were pipes popping out of the roof, for the fire stove Cas had told him about. The little chimney top looked goofy. The door looked freshly repainted.

 

He turned to him and asked gently, eager to know, needing to understand Cas' head space.

“You miss it?”

Cas nodded slightly, his eyes darting away. Was he feeling guilty?

“I get it,” Dean went on, “it's a cool place. Looks nice and quiet.”

Cas glanced back but he didn't smile. Dean let it go. It was his moment to go through and he had to respect that.

He wished he didn't hurt too.

 

Hannah wasn't there but Dean felt her presence everywhere. She must have changed quite a few things since her ex-husband left (Dean just loved this brand new little prefix), which would explain Cas' confused glares.

 

Luckily, she had kept his clothes and most of his stuff, pressed tightly in a cupboard. They moved it to Castiel's car. The monstrosity was even _golden_. He hated it with a passion already and yet, he knew that he would take care of it as if it was his Baby.

 

Castiel opened the door with more enthusiasm than he had showed earlier and sat at the wheel. Dean filled the trunk and joined him. He had barely closed the door that the engine was starting. He turned to get a last look at the house, thinking about all those memories Cas had that he shared with someone else. Cas drove on.

 

* * *

 

 

“How in Hell did you get that thing anyway? You say Hannah disliked it.”

They were sitting in a pub with Sam, celebrating. Cas was playing with his glass, sliding his fingers on the brim. He didn't look as clammed up as earlier, though, his face was more relaxed.

“I got it before we dated. I had to get a car to go to work and it was one of the cheapest. Michael said I had to make sure it lasted, because I certainly couldn't afford another one soon. I could have as it turned out. Another second-hand one, I mean. But I took his words to heart and so the budget went to Hannah's vehicles.”

Sam looked constipated. Dean nudged him in the ribs:

“You got something to say, big guy?”

“Nope,” there was a hint of a laugh. Dean nudged him again, but Sam was already too drunk to care, “I mean, it's really old and tacky... You've just won a little fortune, you could get something better than this crappy thing.”

Cas looked up, his gaze as intense as a bullet.

“You think it's crappy?”

“Well...”

“Don't listen to him, honey. It's your car and your taste and no one,” this time Dean hit Sam's foot, “should try to change that.”

Sam sighed and apologized. They left the pub soon after, driving straight to Sam's hotel. Dean was driving, glancing at Cas on occasions.

“I will miss this.” Castiel's voice was even deeper when he was drunk and still as serious.

“Miss what?”

“Being in the same car. It's a long journey back.”

He didn't add much but Dean got the gist. Cas was still fragile. Winning the trial hadn't magicked that away. Last week felt like ages ago but he could still picture him standing at the window, like a stone statue. He could even relive his own worries. He had to find a solution and quick.

“Sam?”

“Mmmm?”

“Sam wake up, you jerk!”

“Leave me alone...”

“No, Sam, listen, could you drive back with us? We could all take turns driving both cars.”

“What?” Sam's voice was still blurry but he sounded more conscious, “I got a plane ticket.”

“Yeah but... You could get a refund.”

Cas seemed to catch on:

“It's all right, Sam. You've done so much for me already. I'm sure you miss your wife. I wouldn't want you to feel obligated.”

 

Dean was about to scold him for being too selfless, but Sam pushed his bushy head between the car seats and asked:

“Would you feel better that way?”

“It is not important.”

“Dean?”

“Yes, he would, and yes, it's important. You can say no, of course, but... I wouldn't insist otherwise.”

Cas argued, of course. Dean understood, he tended to put himself last and feel guilty about his emotions too. He took his man's hand in his and squeezed.

“I love you, Cas. So much.” It was barely a whisper. Sam didn't need to hear it.

 

Cas relented.

 

 


	30. Chapter 30

Castiel was gazing into the night through the large diner window. Dean's hand was on his thigh, absent-mindlessly stroking him while he was laughing and teasing Sam. The food wasn't great but it was the only place they could find before Dean went on strike for being too hungry. Castiel wasn't and was just waiting for them to finish, reflecting.

 

He felt hollow, and a little cold. He could still see his old home in his mind, the two versions, the one when he lived there and the one when Hannah had erased him, fighting in his memory. He had almost bumped into the furniture while packing.

 

Hannah.

 

She was no one to him now, belonging in the past just like his life there. He couldn't remember how she smelled, or what her favorite song was anymore. He had closed a chapter and was now wavering on the edge of a new one.

 

Because, with all that money, he would quit his job. There were no excuses left, no obstacles. He had thought he would have to wait years for the possibility to maybe appear and suddenly it was there. It was so frightening. It was so tempting.

 

Dean would help him through every step, that was a given. He turned to smile at him. Dean grinned back, mouth full of burger. Sam threw a French fry in their direction calling Dean gross, which prompted him to stick his dirty tongue out in response. Castiel sighed and turned back to the darkness. Sometimes, no matter how grateful he was for the two of them, he felt left out.

 

They drove a little further until they found a little hotel that was much pricier than the ones he and Dean had stayed on the way over. Sam left with his room key after a little roughhousing with his brother. Castiel was already inside, placing his suitcase near the end table. The mattress near him wobbled, as Dean jumped on it, still fully clothed.

“You're a child.”

“And you love me.”

“I do.”

He must have sounded subdued, because his boyfriend sat on the bed, with a worried frown:

“What's wrong?”

Cas sighed. He didn't want to express all the negativity he was struggling with. He just wanted to sleep.

“Nothing serious. I am quite exhausted, mostly.”

 

There was a silence. Then, Dean ordered:

“Turn around.”

Cas did, feeling his trench coat slipping from his shoulders, then another command :

“Sit next to me.”

Castiel obeyed and waited. This time it was his shirt and tie that went away. Maybe Dean wanted sex. He had to explain it wasn't a good idea. He opened his mouth but closed it when two hands started massaging his shoulders. A wave of relief made him shudder.

“Relax, honey.”

“This is really good, Dean. Can you go on?”

“Sure.”

 

Dean's fingers were calloused and a little rough at times, but this was Heaven. Somehow, Castiel found himself lying on the bed, in boxers, with Dean continuing his ministrations intensely, his eyes half-closed in concentration. For a minute, Castiel changed his mind about intimacy. Yet, he closed his eyes and fell asleep before he could voice it.

 

* * *

 

 

“This town seems closer to the other than it was on the way over.”

“What are you babbling about?”

They were sitting in the Impala. Sam was still driving Castiel's car, without complaining, which meant Castiel wasn't left alone with his thoughts yet.

“I mean, are you driving faster?”

“I guess. We were early for the trial, remember? Now, I kinda want to go home.”

“We should get a pet.”

Dean turned his head at that, arching one eyebrow in surprise:

“Where is that coming from?”

“I don't know... it's just... I've never really considered it before. I knew, as a kid that my mother was barely emotionally there for me and my brothers, so I never asked for an animal. And with Hannah... I can picture her answer: _You can barely take care of yourself and you want me to take that responsibility, be reasonable, dear.._.”

“Which isn't true.” There was always a touch of anger in Dean's tone when they discussed Hannah. Castiel enjoyed it now, it made him feel valued.

“No, and that's why I was thinking... We're going home, Sam will be greeted by Jess, but no one's awaiting us.”

 

There was a silence, stretching on for a few miles. Castiel waited. He could accept a no. It was just a suggestion, a new thing to explore in the life he had been given back.

Finally, Dean said:

“What kind?”

“I'm sorry?”

“A dog, a cat, a bird? What do you want?”

“Oh...” He hadn't thought about that. It was a spur of the moment, really. He started rambling, shy at first, then more emboldened when he felt that Dean was listening with an open mind:

“I kinda like guinea pigs. They're round and friendly and they don't ask for much, I think. Or a cat, they are beautiful to look at...”

“Sorry, honey, I'm allergic.”

“Oh, never mind then. Would you like a dog?”

Dean frowned, still looking ahead:

“Would _you_ like a dog?”

“I don't know... Dogs are friendly, but they require a lot of attention and I tend to get lost in my own world for hours.”

“Yeah and dogs are filthy...” Dean shivered, which made Cas smile. His man was a strong germophobe, even though he refused to admit it.

“You know what we'll do, next week-end? We'll go to the pet store and look what they have and ask what each species need. There's no hurry to decide.”

“That is agreeable to me.”

Dean snorted, like he always did when Castiel spoke with ' _long words_ '.

He realized he felt much better.

 

* * *

 

 

They went bowling one night. Castiel tried, failed again and sat to look at the brothers competing. It was difficult to make out: they were pranking each other, calling themselves names, to the point that other teams were looking in their direction. Castiel tried to retreat in the fold of his trench coat collar out of shame.

 

They paused after a while and walked to his chair:

“You want something to drink honey?”

“Oh... yes, some ice tea, please.”

“You, Sam?”

“Apricot juice, thanks.”

Dean left for the bar, mumbling about ' _girly drinks_ '. Sam threw himself on the chair with a sigh.

“I had hopes that your influence would make Dean more accepting of other people's tastes but it only works when it's you, it seems.”

“Yes, sometimes Dean is so very childish. It's tiresome at times.”

Sam turned to him, with a strange expression and opened his mouth, then closed it. He looked at Castiel for a minute or so, then said softly:

“You know why, though?”

“No, not really. That's just Dean being Dean but even more so.”

“Yeah... The thing is... Our dad was... not good at being a dad. And Dean stepped up, I mean, I wouldn't be, well... me, if it hadn't been for him. I love him so much for all he's done, you have no idea.”

Cas sighed, feeling a little guilty:

“I do. He's always there for me even when I reject him.”

“Yes, that's Dean. He gives 110% and it takes a lot from him. I seriously don't think he could function otherwise. So being childish is... kind of his way of unwinding. He has fun, he laughs and that way he can keep on going.”

 

Castiel didn't respond. He was struck, the small guilty feeling unraveling into deep mortification. Dean didn't ask for help or support. He relied only on himself. It was easy to forget that he needed Castiel's affection too and helping him through this crisis must have been so demanding emotionally.

 

A soda can appeared over his shoulder.

“Thank you, Dean,” he said. And he meant it.

 

That night, when they got to an hotel, he took his shower first. When Dean got out of the bathroom, later on, he found Cas naked on the bed, waiting for him.

“Wow, is that my birthday?”

“I feel very grateful for you, Dean. I'd like to show my appreciation.”

“Good... I mean... awesome.” He was stuttering a little bit. Castiel was always amazed at his own capacity to incite lust and in such an attractive partner at that.

“Would you take off your boxers?”

 

Dean obeyed, quickly. That night, Castiel's focus was solely on his boyfriend. He knelt at his feet, intent on giving pleasure, his mouth full and his heart expanding. He caught Dean's fingers in his, pressing his love and strength of feelings as often as he could. Dean was groaning, babbling praises, until he couldn't talk anymore.

 

In the dark, cuddled alongside him, Dean whispered:

“Thanks, Cas, you're the best.”

“I am not. I just wanted to show you how important you are to me.”

“Well... Not saying you shouldn't, because... I'm really not complaining. But, Cas, you don't have to prove anything to me.”

“It's not a question of proof, Dean. It's more that you deserve this and more. Your well-being should be my priority as much as my well-being is yours.”

“Cas.”

“Yes?”

“You talk too much.”

So, Castiel went quiet, listening to Dean's breathing softening, as he fell asleep in his arms.

 


	31. A New Beginning

Castiel was shaken out of a deep sleep by a bump in the road. He looked out the window but it was too dark to even guess their location. He turned slowly to what he could make of Dean's face hidden in the shadows. His jaw was tensed, like it always was when he was powering through exhaustion. He immediately glanced at Cas and smiled gently:

“Next exit's our, honey. Home sweet home.”

 

It wasn't sweet, not at that time of night, the bleariness of a sleeping town seeping through, but it was a relief. Dean needed rest. They both needed space. Not from each other, so much as from the confine of the car. The thought reminded him that he now owned his car back. It was just behind them, parking next to the apartment with a screech. They were home.

 

Sam didn't want a drink or anything else than a lift, so Castiel took on himself to take their luggage inside while the brothers drove away. He was feeling uncomfortable, annoyed at the lights, his body demanding sleep, but his mind too alert for it to happen. Plus he would wait for Dean.

 

So he dug through his stuff till he found the books they had bought together such a long time ago. Or maybe just two weeks before. Before. When he was still married. He sat on the bed as a single man. Or as single as he could be when Dean was his whole life already. He shook his head and changed for the night, or at least what was left of it. They both had to work the next day, which was going to involve a lot of coffee.

 

He was so engrossed in the story he was reading that it took a kiss on the temple to make him realize that Dean was there. He finished the sentence and turned around to find his boyfriend already lying down with his eyes closed.

 

He returned the kiss wordlessly.

 

It was strange being back at work. He would give his two weeks notice some time in the future, that was now certain, so his manager and coworkers being happy to see him back felt like he was cheating. Work had piled up, though, which helped occupy him thoroughly.

 

In the evening, he kept on working, this time on the catering business paperwork and plans. Dean had pretended to be interested up until the financial part had come up. Castiel preferred to be on his own, anyway, he was more efficient. A nice dinner generally appeared after a while, taking him back to the real world, and he made a point to spend the rest of the evening enjoying Dean's company.

 

They were adjusting to the new reality. Castiel was free, he was wealthy, as his bank account showed. Hannah and Michael had apparently decided they did not want to deal with him anymore so three thousand dollars had been added to the already indecent amount he had received after the trial. These required plans as well, along with a joint account, which was hard to negotiate.

 

“We're not married, honey. You're your own man, now, remember?”

“This is an absurd statement and you know it, Dean. We're living together, have acknowledged the depth of our attachment and are happy.”

“Well, couples break up. As you do know.”

“In that case, no couples should ever exist, because the risk is always present for anyone. I wish to think that we will last. It worries me that you do not think the same.”

 

Dean didn't answer. His sigh was telling, though. Castiel took a deep breath to even himself and asked as gently as he could:

“Is this bringing back bad memories?”

“Yeah... No... It's not about that, really...”

There was a pause. Castiel waited, being careful to let Dean open up. It was important now that he got to know him as well as he could. Then, he finally heard:

“I kind of... learned to count only on myself. Sam too, of course, but he was a child. I want you to have options because...”

 

He was so beautiful when he dared talk about himself, that Castiel wanted to hug him and never let go. But he knew not to.

“... because then I know you really wanna stay, you know, with me. Not because it would be too complicated to leave. My dad walked out on me when Sam became an adult. I think he wanted to before but he felt obligated.”

“All right, I get what you are saying. My mind does not work that way, so we shall have to find a way that fits us both.”

“Or I could get over it. It's mostly anxiety, I guess. I love you, I want you with me, always. Maybe in a bigger place?”

 

In the end, they sold Dean's apartment even though they didn't really need the extra money, because Dean wanted to contribute.

“But, Dean, you could rent it, it would make an extra income.”

“Yeah, but also lots of extra work when something go wrong, and, well..”

Castiel had learned. He waited, his fingers stroking Dean's hand slowly. There was the telling sigh, just before the truth of the matter:

“I want to feel I'm contributing... You have all this trial money, and I feel...”

“Kept?”

 

Dean answered with a glare, but the discussion was helpful. They had found a little house, just outside of town, with an enormous kitchen, built when the place had been turned into a B&B, for Castiel to use for his catering business. Some handy work was needed, so Dean could find ways to be useful, even buy extra tools (Cas was working on a Christmas gift that included a tool belt), and mostly, it had charm. There was a chimney to sit next to in winter, and a small garden that could be left in its present wild state, and even an extra bedroom for visitors, although it hadn't been used yet. All of their friends and family lived nearby, at least the one that counted.

 

The future felt real. They had started a new page, a new book, even. Sometimes, it was almost as quiet as the one he had left, but he was planning to change that. Dean had read that guinea pigs made good company for rabbits and planned to grow a little herb garden. He could also build a comfortable cage when the two new family additions could “cozy it up”.

“I am sure they'll both be “comfy” in their new home, Dean.” Cas answered.

And he wasn't talking about the animals.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I will miss that fic immensly, but I don't think I can add anything else. I'm happy to have finished it at last and thanks so much for all the support I have gotten!


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